Silent Shadows: Book Two - The River of Secrets

IX

Confusion.

The world was crafted by confusion again when she woke up. She saw the milky fog of dawn, a mist that consumed the world. A mist that turned reality into a blur, a mist that would mean nothing else existed if she didn't look beyond the initial walls. A circle of things that existed was at her feet. Emerald grass, rusted to silver jade, was there lying dead and futile under the infinite cloud. 

Where is my mind? My awareness?

I won't exist if I have no awareness anymore. 

I'm my awareness. I'm my memory.

So what's it like to not exist, if that's all I am?

She'd had another strange dream. A voice that had talked to her as if she'd done something wrong, as though she'd hurt it. When she gazed forth, into the white mist, she felt as though the voice was still within her. Company inside her own mind and soul. This place is mine, I don't want that.

Can't it leave me alone? What are you? Answer me, please! Are you...my past? Can you tell me what my past was, then? 

Can you...

Before her, an eye opened.

And it gazed at her.

The birth of a being that was simply an eye, an eye that'd gaze at her forever. She didn't see it anywhere, around, beneath, nor above. She saw it in the truest sense possible. She saw it in her psyche.

And with it, came the pain of purposelessness. In a brief second, she found herself touched by death. No, something more bitter than death. The feeling of the death of all she knew.

"Shimmerpaw." 

No. She rejected the feeling.

Don't tell me my past. I don't want to see that again.

-

There before her, another form had come to share her dream with her. It unravelled itself, spreading wings of light before her. Infinite wings of protection, and with them a feeling of bliss. It reminded her of the bliss of life, the luck and fortune of existence. To exist and experience the bliss of rain, the mirth of the sun. The music of birth, of the universe's genesis. The excitement to continue existing. "What are you?" she spoke.

"An angel."

"What's your name?"

"For now, I am you."

Suddenly, she was taken in by warmth again. She found herself in vivid green grass, decorated in yellow flowers. A sunlit emerald-hue bedding, painted just for her. Endless blue skies, spotted with soft pillows of clouds. There was nothing else. Nothing to disturb this world of mirth, she had found pure bliss. 

"Mornin', Silentpaw," a voice spoke, calling her to rise up from where she'd been lying. She turned over, suddenly bewitched by the sight of Sunpaw's face. "Don't worry about the whole 'death' thing, that doesn't matter here!"

She pushed herself to her paws to gaze upon the meadows. Green, luscious green beneath the endless, inverted plane of cerulean. And in the meadows, there was everyone she loved. Her mother. Her father. Her fellow apprentices from NightClan. Faces she'd clung to for life to mean anything, faces that had been stolen from her and lost to never be seen again. And yet her they were, defying inexistence.

Searching around, she realized there was no sun, yet this place was flooded with sunlight from an unknown source. These hills seemed endless, empty. Devoid of trees, bushes, rivers, anything other than the grass and the flowers. The only other object on the horizon were a couple of windmills. This place had a subtle effect. A feeling that she didn't belong here. But the feeling of bliss was seeping into her thoughts, like warm water. It whispered to her. 'Stay here. This place is perfect,' it spoke

"You don't have to worry about a thing," Sunpaw chuckled. "I'll protect you. I'll make sure nobody hurts you. I'll make sure you won't hurt yourself. I'll make sure your painful memories will all disappear!"

"God damn it. Wake up!" A voice hissed, cutting through her mind and soul and dragging some part of her out.

Silentdawn turned to see Sunpaw staring down at her, still gazing down and smiling.

"You don't have to worry about a thing," Sunpaw chuckled. "I'll protect you. I'll make sure nobody hurts you. I'll make sure you won't hurt yourself. I'll make sure your painful memories will all disappear!"

"What's happening to me?" she asked.

"You don't have to worry about a thing," Sunpaw chuckled. "I'll protect you. I'll make sure nobody hurts you. I'll make sure you won't hurt yourself. I'll make sure your painful memories will all disappear!"

"Wake up, it would be useless for you to die now," the voice cut through her psyche again, spilling blood upon her ability to think.

"You don't have to worry about a thing," Sunpaw chuckled. "I'll protect you. I'll make sure nobody hurts you. I'll make sure you won't hurt yourself. I'll make sure your painful memories will all disappear!"

Why...What is this?

"You don't have to worry about a thing," Sunpaw chuckled. "I'll protect you. I'll make sure nobody hurts you. I'll make sure you won't hurt yourself. I'll make sure your painful memories will all disappear!"

"You don't have to worry about a thing," Sunpaw chuckled. "I'll protect you. I'll make sure nobody hurts you. I'll make sure you won't hurt yourself. I'll make sure your painful memories will all disappear!"

"You don't have to worry about a thing," Sunpaw chuckled. "I'll protect you. I'll make sure nobody hurts you. I'll make sure you won't hurt yourself. I'll make sure your painful memories will all disappear!"

"You don't have to worry about a thing," Sunpaw chuckled. "I'll protect you. I'll make sure nobody hurts you. I'll make sure you won't hurt yourself. I'll make sure your painful memories will all disappear!"

"You don't have to worry about a thing," Sunpaw chuckled. "I'll protect you. I'll make sure nobody hurts you. I'll make sure you won't hurt yourself. I'll make sure your painful memories will all disappear!"

This isn't true happiness. The thought was like a scalpel. It sliced her soul, removing that unnamed feeling this place had injected into her mind, and carrying her upward through the sky to lay unmoving in a state of half-consciousness.

Through the haze, she caught gazes piercing the darkness that veiled her eyes. 

"You're back. Good. Thought you wouldn't wake up for a second," one of the cats staring down at her spoke. 

"Remember, we're not keeping you alive just because we like you. You're alive because we have some things to ask you."

//

A/N

Feel free to attribute the length of this chapter to me copy+pasting one sentence over and over for dramatic effect. Also, the inspiration I had for Silentdawn's "lotus-eater" dreamscape was the old Windows XP background, of all things. (You know the one.) 

Also, I'm super tired right now and prob haven't proofread this properly at all. If there are typos, I am sorry. I'll try to proofread it again and fix any typos if I find them. (20/10/2023)