Silent Shadows: Book Two - The River of Secrets

XXXII

Content Warning: Cannibalistic infanticide (AKA eating babies) and unreality/dissociation. 

Selenostar was gone. This tomcat she'd once hated, who gave her an offer for redemption, only to turn on everything and resort to evil before being rather ceremoniously killed. It'd been a quick fire, yet it'd taken three lives.

Lives that'd meant so much to her.

Daisyfoot felt deep sadness for the loss of Pebblestar, and she despised herself for it. In fact, she despised herself for even calling it a loss. She should've considered it a defeat, a riddance that'd make the world better and give catharsis.

Was it really just irony that the one tomcat who offered her redemption turned into a monster himself?

She shook her head, not wishing to think about this. In the pain of her remorse, part of her wished to simply embrace her malice so she would't carry the burden of trying to be kind. But she knew she couldn't, she had to do what was right.

Was morality a construct, or was it a rule made so that the world wouldn't fall apart? What was right and wrong? Was there some code for it? Nobody could seem to agree on the same code for what was moral and immoral, so there was no objectivity with it.

Whatever happened, she'd go on paying her debt to the world for what she'd done to it. Whatever morality meant, she'd caused great suffering, and now she had to bring happiness to the world even if it meant having to endure pain herself.

In this life, she was what she was, and did what she did. But her goal would be to bring care and joy, both to the world and herself. 

But there would always be pain in life, and she realized she had to accept that. No life would ever be painless, and if it were painless, joy would mean nothing. After all, her desperate avoidance of pain was what caused her to bring so much of it to everyone around her.

-

Oh, my dear Stormray, life is much better now.

The world had grown darker, yet Silentdawn found it comfortable. She had Stormray now, and she would never abandon them. She'd finally given birth to a litter of kits, and they were the most perfect, beautifully designed little objects. 

But something bothered her. There was a position she was yearning for, but according to the rules, she could only mother one kit were she elevated to this. It was okay, it was just a little sacrifice to throw away some kits. 

However, before she killed them, she wished to wait for them to talk. Knowing what they spoke like would add more happiness to it. So she sat around, waiting for those kits to pick up some words and utter them. One day, she was relaxing, watching the fresh things.

"S-Sun," one kit spoke. "Light."

Excitedly, Silentdawn dashed forth and stared down at the kit. "Would you say that again, little one?" she mewed.

"Light?" another kit mewed.

"No," she replied, unsheathing her claws. "Don't you lie to yourself. There is no light. The light is scary, so don't go running after it."

"It's dark," the third mewed. She slowly stepped closer, preparing her claws. It's okay. The world convinced me to do this.

 Silentdawn didn't hesitate as she struck her claws through them. 

It didn't matter, she let herself get carried away in the act. Once she was elevated, all the cats of this group would be her children, and she'd never abandon them. Really, she felt she'd rather get rid of the kit's chances at living than make them live without the care of a mother.

She pretended she was simply killing some worthless prey. However, when her senses returned and she looked upon what she'd done, a sickness overtook her. The indescribably image finally silenced her. Silentdawn stood quiet, gazing upon the aftermath.

The realization hit her, and she screamed.

A need for indulgence struck her, like an escape hatch for her disgust. Remembering what she did to Shimmerspark, the act of satisfying her violent hunger felt like it'd be the cure for her guilt. Silentdawn had become just like her mother after all, throwing away her own children like this. She couldn't waste their remains.

It felt like a skip in time before she was carried away in the sick feast. She felt the last of her sanity snap. Silentdawn was overwhelmed by such sickness, it felt as if she'd feel this ill for the rest of her life. For a moment,  she stared at her one remaining kit. The only kit she'd spared.

Don't worry. I'll teach you to be a good mother, and not waste your food, the she-cat thought, before finally, she couldn't tell who she was anymore.

Life...is much better now.

She'd never see the sun, but it didn't hurt anymore. Life was normal, and happy, she was sure of it. Her mind had blocked away the bad thoughts, and even though she didn't think much anymore, it didn't matter. It didn't hurt.

What she knew was real was a maze, but it was okay. The she-cat didn't feel sadness anymore. She was going to follow the line of fate forever. There was no worry anymore, she knew everything that was going to happen. And she was laughing, laughing, laughing along with it's rhythm. 

Heaven is here. It's up in Venus, she took me in and gave me my new identity.

I'm happy here. I'm happy with my new self. In this happy shell, I'll laugh forever.

The eyes looking in at the shell wished to reach in and break her universe, and leave her to spiral into infinite despair. But it didn't matter, she'd always tear them apart. 

I am happy. My memories, my bad memories are gone. My thoughts no longer make sense, so they can't bring me sadness anymore. I am happy, Venus is me and I am her.

I am happy.

I am happy.

I am happy.

I am happy.

I am happy.

I am happy.

I am happy.

I am-