Silent Shadows: Book Two - The River of Secrets

XV

Is this another world? She wondered as she lay in a corner, or perhaps saw a replica of herself laying in a corner. No, this world was a part of reality. And yet it was a part that no eyes but her own had seen, no eyes other than the one who'd brought her here, subjecting her to this. This place was deep, it was dark. Painful.

This image of her. It was gaunt, physically broken, perhaps. Seemingly awake, yet mentally dead. Still wondering whether she was in this body, or watching from outside, she found herself gazing into her own eyes. They were empty, dull and staring away into the nothingness as if unbounded by what lay in front of me. Me? No, her. Or perhaps it is me. Using my soul to gaze at my soul.

Suddenly, there she was, outside again. And suddenly, she realized the influence she was under. This was perhaps a snapshot of her, one that had been the appearance she held in a previous point of time. Or another mind using it's body to live and move around. Or another identity she'd thrown away. And suddenly, those memories had her held within her claws. This was an inverse of what kept her alive. She was supposed to hold these memories, within her mind.

Don't come back, please. If my old memories come back, everything will hurt. Everything will come to an end.

"Iskra? Are you awake?" A voice roused her from a drowsy state of near unconsciousness. She turned to find herself gazed down upon by a charcoal-pelted tom. "Do you remember why you're here?"

"No," she simply replied. "I...was just hunting, right?"

"My name is Rauch, and I'm a medic," he replied with a hint of concern in his voice. "We've given you a checkup."

"Oh," Iskra meowed. "I do hurt a lot. Is there anything bad?"

The tom stared at her, once again in concern. "The claws in your hind paws are missing. You have many scars as well as a burn on your flank, and the tip of your tail has been split. Your left eye is clouded, you may have impaired vision. This looks to be a result of physical injury as well."

Iskra tested the fact by closing her right eye. No, her vision was clear. She shut her other eye, surprised by the sight of blurred, dull colours. Through it she could vaguely spot a blur of gray, and figured it was the medic she was looking at. She opened her left eye again, immediately relieved by clear vision.

"Is that it?" Iskra asked.

"No," Rauch replied sheepishly. "This isn't hard to say, I'm afraid you cannot have kits. It's probably caused by some injury on your bones that indirectly damaged it."

"...oh," she spoke, surprised yet not sorrowful. She'd never had plans to do so. "Those are injuries. And that's all?"

"That is all."

-

I don't get it, Silentdawn thought, sick with the bile of envy. She doesn't even remember the bad things that happened to her. Why couldn't I have it like that?

She despised this feeling. Constantly running away from her own thoughts, trying to hide somewhere where her worst memories couldn't find her. If they did, they'd tear her heart in two. They'd disembowel her. They'd eat her alive. Everything would come to an end. Even by thinking about this plight, she attracted the things she didn't even want to think of who came to hunt down her mind.

"Hello," a voice suddenly caught her attention. Flying into a shock, she spun around and was stricken with relief when she noticed Stormray's face.

"Oh, Ray," she whispered. "...did anything happen?"

"No," Stormray replied. "I...I decided to come here."

Silentdawn felt nearly surprised by their strange lack of monotone she'd become used to. She decided to ask a question. "How are you?"

Stormray replied with silence. Suddenly, to her anger, she felt envious of Stormray as well. And soon, she felt furious with her own anger. This cat now seemed to express no emotion, as though they felt nothing. She dug her claws into the dirt. Why, why did she have to feel this? Momentarily, she wondered, what it would be like. To feel no emotion. I can't imagine. Because I would be nothing.

"What is it like for you?" the words quietly slipped off her tongue, almost unconsciously.

Stormray stopped. They didn't move, and nothing in their expression changed. And yet, Silentdawn could sense their thoughts. They didn't expect things to hear these words. And she hadn't, either.

"It hurts," they replied, quietly. Two words, two simple words, and yet they fell heavy upon Silentdawn's heart. She knew that the next words to fall from their mouth would only hurt her more. "I am not who I am."

And suddenly, their wall was beginning to crack. Silentdawn was moving closer to them, and Stormray found themself conflicted whether to respond. And yet, somehow, they simply let their actions happen and let their nameless feelings become words. "I feel like I shouldn't depend on anybody."

"You...you can depend on me. I will never leave you," Silentdawn replied.

And then, they realized that the wall between them had finally broken down. Words were unnecessary at this point. Silently, the two inched closer, allowing their pelts to brush against each other, allowing their eyes to close. Soon, they found themselves able to taste the blood in each other's mouths. And yet they were unafraid.

The night had fallen. A veil of moonlight had fallen over the land, soaking the world in silent melancholy. And yet, under an endless abyss of scattered stars, was warmth. Here it was, the feeling. Something neither had truly felt be reciprocated.

Love.

Perhaps feeling nothing is not truly what I want, Silentdawn thought.

//

A/N

The reason Shimmerspark is infertile is because some humans who helped her while she was injured (off page) also had her spayed while treating her injuries, but Rauch just assumed the injuries somehow made her infertile.