A Collection of Tears in a Truth Filled Jar

jealousy, jealousy

Maybe I am a bit jealous.
Everything you've ever wanted displays itself in her and what you had.
You could go back any moment and I'd be stuck here trying to piece together what I did wrong.
So I don't.
I won't.
I block you out.
I think about every way I could possibly hate you even if my heart doesn't believe a single word.
I don't allow my heart to fall for you.
I won't.
I don't give you as tight of hugs.
I dodge your kisses.
I hold back most of my "I love you"s.
I don't tell you how beautiful you are.
I don't tell you how much I admire your growth.
I don't tell you how cool you are when you're yourself and do what you want.
I don't tell you how I'm falling in love with you all over again.
I don't tell you how I'm picking up your habits just as quickly as you're picking up mine.
I don't tell you how jealous I am.
I don't tell you how scared I am to lose you again.
Instead, I withdraw.
I pretend like nothing phases me.
I pretend like nothing is serious.
I pretend like you're another person who I could get over in a month even though I know it'll take another lifetime to recover from this.
So yes, I'm jealous but I'm more scared than anything.