Everytime I Try To Walk Away

in pieces

I wish I could say you don't affect me that much, but no. You affect me so much, so much to the point where it physically pains me. When I think of you, my chest hurts a lot that I can barely function so I just lay there in my bed instead. Frozen and heartbroken. How do you do that?

You should've just killed me, you know? In that way, I would just be able to feel pain for a few minutes before I go. Not like this. THIS. In your own little ways, you are killing me slowly, making me suffer more and more each day. More pain with each day that passes by. It's like I'm dying every fucking day. You sure make me feel like hell is eating me up here. Of course you know how much you affect me, of course you know you could do this to me, it's way too impossible if you don't so stop acting like you don't. Is this your whole plan?

I love you so much it pains me. Remember when you used to tell me you hate change? I can still recall what you told me about it. It was the 2nd week of June, we were on my house, I was lying on your lap holding your hand, and was on twitter on my phone with my other hand. You were playing with my hair with your other hand. I was scrolling through my direct messages then, checking it, by routine.

One of my girls sent me something just 2 minutes ago. I opened it out of curiosity as it caught my attention because I saw the name of someone who used to be one of your guys. Someone who also happen to be very close to my heart. He's been a good friend to me. It was a screenshot of his Facebook status. Saying how much he hated you and the rest of your squad and how he'd rather be in a room with bums than you and the rest. You just smirked but deep down I know you're disappointed and you want to be there for him.

I sat up and watched you for a moment, not blinking. You just smiled so I went back to scrolling through my direct messages. That's when you breathed in and out before saying,

"I hate change. You know? I hate people who change, instantly. Their hair color, hairstyle, even their way of dressing, their ways, and their attitude" remember? I know it was all because of him. I know it was all about him.

That night, I asked you what time would you go home, you fooled around, saying "nope, just moved in here" I was shocked, and I know you saw that I was shocked, maybe that's why you took it back almost instantly by saying you didn't want to go home yet.

I figured something was up with you so I let you stay a little longer.

And so we talked about things. Our past, why we broke up back then, and how our break up affected our lives before school started a year ago.

We were silent for a while, looking at the ceiling, and that's when my younger sister walked in on us, saying "you look like you're watching the stars" we both ended up laughing as she retreated into my room. That's when I asked you something that's been on my mind since we got back together last year.

"What do you think would have happened if we didn't got back together? If I didn't send my 'supposed-to-be' last message?"

At first you just shook your head, smiling before looking at me, "I think I'd be single" and I said "really?" you hesitated for a moment before answering "Or maybe WE would have gotten back together again?" I was puzzled for a moment before I realized that the WE you were talking about wasn't us, but you and your ex, whom you know I hated so much. I was hurt but I didn't let you see that, I couldn't because I might cry. And so to hurt you back, I told you stories of my ex, who was an angel back then but then later on turned a jerk. You balled your fists when I told you he still tried to get back with me when I was already falling in love with you. Were you hurt?

We talked about our exes and I couldn't help but be jealous so I held your hand, laughing lightly and told you to stop. I was laughing but there were tears forming in the corners of my eyes. You were shocked for a minute, rubbing circles in my back and that's when it all became too much.

I couldn't hide the jealousy anymore so, being me, I tried my best to avoid you just for a while.

I was trying to avoid any contacts with your skin but then you nudged me. I was surprised. I looked at you blankly then I saw that your eyes were full of worry. You held me in my shoulders and asked, "are you jealous?" That surprised me even more. It surprised me that you can read through me. I didn't answer your question because I know that you already know what my answer would be. You held me in your arms right at that moment and told me there's nothing to be jealous about. "I love you and only you, okay?" I nodded and I couldn't help but be teary-eyed because you were so sincere.

My mom smiled at us as she was turning the lights off, and that's when you realized how late it is. 2:34 am.

I got up and was already fixing your things for you when you stopped me. You hugged me, so tight I could feel your heartbeat in my cheeks. 'Cute height difference' We get that a lot. That's what people around us always say.

"So are you really okay now?" You asked as you let go of our hug. I nodded, looking at my feet. "Are you sure?" You asked one more time, cupping my face in your super manly hands. I must have looked like a child. I nodded one more time, making eye contact with you just so you would believe me. But I wasn't really okay.

You said "good" and smiled and proceeded to fixing your things. I stood beside you like a little child waiting for her dad to reveal the present he got for her. As soon as I was walking you out the door, you stopped dead in your tracks. I was worried I did something you didn't like. And just when I thought we were done with surprises, you proved me wrong and surprised me yet again by telling me that you love me so much. You pulled me in for a kiss.

We kissed.

And I was more than okay right after that.