Everytime I Try To Walk Away

one-sided love

I need you not because I love you.

And I love you, not because I need you.

You know that right?

I remember when we were still nothing to each other. I would go down at the school canteen during break times, and whenever I go back up, you're already there, waiting — not for me though, but for what I bought.

You're all about food, and me, too. Which I now think could also possibly be one of the reasons why you love— loved me deeply.

I never told you these things but, it hurt me a lot when I saw your ex's name on your phone.

Of course you wouldn't remember this but it was on the second week of January 2015, it was almost around 12 am. I asked you what was your conversation all about, then you waved me off, saying it was nothing. "I just greeted her a happy birthday" I thought I knew what real pain felt like, but not until I heard you say that. Does she still matter to you?

I just thought you no longer care about her. I'm so sorry for thinking that.

The next day I opened up to one of our closest friends, Jonas. He understands me so well, he's a good listener. I spilled everything to him, I told him I was hurt because I know you still care about your ex. You care about her enough to be able to lie straight to my face. Later that day, I didn't know Jonas was going to tell you all about it, and so he did. I'm so sorry you had to know it that way, I just couldn't tell you. I couldn't let you know how much it is threatening me that I might lose you to her.

Lunch break came and before I could even get up from my seat, you were already there, standing beside me.

You told me you didn't mean to hurt me, so in order for me to believe you, you acted like you were so hurt because I was hurt. You apologized and I accepted, although I know you didn't deserve it. You held my hand as if I was so fragile and so special to you.

And in that moment, even then, there, I knew I was already losing pieces of you.

Little by little.

Bit by bit.

But I still stayed. Because I love you and I couldn't stand to lose you.

Did you feel that way too?

I guess you didn't. You never did.

I guess, all along, it was just a one-sided love.

Yes you were there for me, physically, but mentally? When were you ever there for me?