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You're not a monster | N.R

N.R
Age: 17
TW - mention of blood / killing 

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Y/n was raised in the red room. 2 years ago when Natasha and Yelena took it down, Natasha took her in as her own daughter. But the scars of the Red Room run deep. 

Y/Ns POV
At the sound of Natasha knocking on my door, I turn off the shower. The door creaks open and she sticks her heads around the corner. 

"Y/n, Lenas here sh- Jesus woman it's steamy in here, how hot are your showers?", she exclaims, politely looking away. 

"Normal temperature", I say, looking down at my bright pink legs, scolded by the heat in more hopeless attempts to burn off any trace of my past. 

"Well Yelenas here, she wants to see you"
"Thanks, I'll be out in a sec".

Once she leaves, I toss on some sweatpants and one of Natasha's old hoodies and go out into the kitchen. 

"Hey Lena", I swing around the doorframe and go to hug her. 
"Hey babe, you're old now"
"Wow thanks", I laugh as she holds out a small wrapped parcel. 

"A late birthday present, sorry I couldn't make it last week". 

I laughed as I opened the present. She'd gotten me a bottle of vodka, which Natasha took away from me the second I unwrapped it.

"Hey that's mine!", I started to protest, but one raised eyebrow and I shut up about it quickly.

I thank Yelena anyway and she pulls me into another hug, going on about how tall I've gotten, Even though she only saw me last month. When they took me in two years ago, they bought me everything I could possibly need, and Yelena always comes around at least once a month to catch up.

After a few hours of talking, I got bored and shifted back to my room. I picked up my phone but put it down again after a few minutes. There was a nagging feeling in my stomach, the same one that's been there since I was free from Dreykov. 

Physically I was away from the Red Room, but mentally I'm still there. Living with the guilt of the people I killed. Their blood is on my hands, it's been two years and I'm afraid I won't be able to wash it off this time. 

I didn't notice that I had been crying until I sat up and felt the dampness of my pillow. Sighing, I dragged myself to the bathroom. My eyes were red and puffy from the tears. What a delightful sight. I sat down on the icy bathroom tiles, taking a breath and trying to rid myself of the icky feeling that lingered.

"Y/n", Natashas voice called from down the hall. I heard her footsteps stop outside the bathroom door. "Y/n?, are you okay?"

"Yeah", I clamber up to the sink and quickly wipe my eyes, splashing my face with cold water. I open the door and Natasha looks at me with a concerned look in her eyes. 

"Are you sure?"
"Mhm", I nod and she seems to let it go for now, changing the topic.

"Yelena's about to leave, did you wanna go say goodbye?"

"Oh yeah", I go out and Yelena's standing by the door. I gave her a hug and thanked her again. Before I closed the door I'm almost certain I heard a "Bye grandma".

After flipping her off through the window, I go to move back to my room, but Natasha catches me in the hallway, grabbing me by the wrist and causing me to flinch. She quickly drops my arm.

"Sorry", she quickly apologizes. "You've seemed a bit off lately. What's up?"

"Nothing", I shrug. "Everything's all good. I'm just a bit tired". This time she shakes her head.

"No, don't give me that"
"Tasha I'm being serious"
"I've known you for two years Y/n"
"Natasha".

She stops talking for a moment and there's a short silence before she speaks again. 

"Just talk to me. Please". Natasha's words hung in the air, heavy with concern. 

 I hesitated for a moment, my mind battling between the urge to keep my emotions locked away and the desperate need to unburden my mind with the guilt that still nags at me.

"I... I can't forget, Natasha," I confessed, my voice barely a whisper. "I can't forget what they made me do in the Red Room. The faces of those I hurt, the lives I took. It haunts me every day.

A that, Natasha's eyes softened with understanding.
"That was your past my love. Two years ago you were a completely different person"
"I know, you told me that first night that time will heal the wound, but the scar is still so fucking big"

The tears burned like acid as they streamed down my face. 

"I need you to fix it", I pleaded, and her worried eyes met mine. "Please fix it"
"Fix what bub?", she cupped my face and wiped my tears with her thumb.
"Fix me"

Her arms instinctively went around me and I was pulled into her, my face buried in her shoulder. 

"I can't fix something that's not broken". 

"But I am broken," I whispered, my voice raw. "I'm shattered into pieces, and I don't know how to put them back together. I'm a monster Natasha, I killed people, took away their lives, how can I live with that?"

Natasha pulled away slightly, holding my face gently in her hands. Her eyes, usually fierce and determined, now reflected a profound sadness. "Y/n, you were being controlled. That place was all you knew, and that wasn't your fault. I understand that better than anyone. We'll find a way to mend those pieces together, even if it takes a lifetime. You're not a monster."

I clung to her words like a lifeline. "Promise me you won't leave," I pleaded, my voice cracking.
She pressed her forehead to mine, putting her arms over my shoulders. "I would never leave you. I'm not going anywhere."