Because I Promised

Twenty-One | You'll Know Why

this is it guys, the last stretch. after this, there will be one chapter, a short epilogue, and a very long and sentimental author's note. thank you for coming with me on this very long journey. if you look closely, you'll see that we broke 20k reads and 1k votes. that is absolutely insane and i don't even know enough words in the english language to express how happy i am to see this book finally picking up some momentum and being appreciated. it is...it's amazing. 

Dear Jordan,

Today is the hardest day of my life. By the time you're reading this, you'll know why. There are some things you need to know before I'm gone Jordan.

First, this isn't about you. I'm not so heartbroken that I'm taking this action as a devastated young girl. I know it will be hard for you to imagine this isn't about you but I'm telling you it's not. This is about me.

People will call me selfish, some will call me brave, and others will call me a coward. Maybe I am all those things. I know I'm definitely selfish. I've never claimed to be anything else. I'm not brave though. If I were brave, I would just let life take me.

But I can't do that.

I can't cope with the idea of not being in control of what happens to me. Mom says I've been dealt a rough card in life. I'm not exactly sure what that means. I've been very blessed. I've known no struggle financially. I've never gone to bed hungry. I've known friendship and love.

Yes, I've also been blessed with this sickness. Every day hasn't been terrible. I've learned who my real friends are, the things that are important at the end of the day, and the people I've loved endlessly.

I need you to know I've never truly hated you.

This journal contains a lot of things, but true hatred isn't one of them. I used to know why I wrote this whole thing, but I've lost my way since then. I started it as a broken girl with no voice of her own. Writing everything down was my way of not going insane. I'm not really even sure how I'm going to get this to you.

I've thought out almost every detail of this day, down to what underwear I'm wearing. I've been thinking it over for the last week, and a week doesn't seem like a long time to think about death but it starts to take a toll on you. My parents know something is wrong, but they can't handle the answer so I tell them I just feel sick.

The truth is that I just don't want to do it anymore. I know my days are numbered, probably in the 20's by now but I can barely hold this pen in my hand long enough to write this down. I keep starting and stopping because this is important. This is so so important.

I love you Jordan. I have spent the last three years, seven months and ten days falling head over heels for you. It would be so easy to say I wish things could have been different but if things would have been any different, I don't think I would have gotten to write this all down. If I would have told you I was sick, maybe you would have slacked in class and not gotten into NYU. It's all the little things that needed to be exactly the same.

Now, the second thing I need you to know is that this isn't a suicide note. I'm not writing this to blame you or give you some bullshit reason about why I'm doing this. I'm doing this because I'm weak. I'm doing this because life is out of my control now. I'm not really living anymore.

Over the past few months, I've had needles stuck in me, doctors poking at me, machines scanning my brain, and countless blood transfusions. I've had to quit school, stop seeing my friends because none of them can look me in the eye without pity written all over their face. I had to stop singing because it took too much breath.

This isn't a life.

This is me being stuck in a body that's betrayed me. Breathing with lungs that can't keep up with me. Thinking with a brain that struggles just to put together sentences in the English language because the migraines get so bad.

This is where I am at Jordan.

This is how I live every single day.

I don't want you to feel bad anymore. When I started this, I wanted you to feel just as bad as you made me feel. I don't want that anymore. I want you to be happy, because I can't help you. I know it's crazy that I'm the one dying but I want you to be happy. I see the lights dimming in your eyes and your smile shrinking. I see the way you're never really present.

I want you to stop feeling the way you're feeling.

I know every other page in this thing screams otherwise but the only thing I want today is for you to be happy before this falls into your hands. I know none of this makes sense and I'm so sorry but maybe one day it will. One day, when you're a hot shot director and you've found a way to fall in love again, you'll understand. You'll understand how someone can hurt you time and time again but you'll still love them in the end.

And I do.

I love you Jordan.

You've hurt me more times than I can count on two hands but I am still madly in love with you and will be until my last breath.

Please be happy Jordan.

One day, for me?

With all my love,

Alison Margaret Reed