Because I Promised

Ten | You must be new.

This is a shorter upload than usual and I'm sorry for that. I have to go to work but I wanted to wrap this part up and upload it for you all today because I honestly don't know when I'll be able to again.

Thank you for your continued support. xx

You know those dreams where you feel like you're falling? For a moment, amidst dreaming, you imagine that your life is ending. I've imagined several times what people think about the second before they're gone from the world as we know it.

I like to think I would have time to think of my family, my films, my friends and my faith. Can one even think of all those things in a fleeting moment?

Then I think about Alison, and what the last thing that went through her mind was.

As I'm pushing the upper portion of my body over the railing and gravity is becoming an enemy to me, I convince myself it was me. I was her last thought. Maybe it was a bad thing, but I'm hoping it wasn't. My entire body shakes with the wind before I'm being steadied back onto my feet.

"Are you absolutely mental?" My eyes are closed and I'm fighting vertigo but I can still hear the feminine voice screetching into my ear. "Were you trying to get yourself killed?" She hasn't even given me an opportunity to answer her first question before flinging another one at me. She grabs my wrist, forcing my sore and tired eyes to flutter open.

It takes me a moment for my vision to focus but the first thing I notice is her blue eyes being exposed beneath her overgrown blonde hair. They are the strangest shade of blue that I think I've ever seen in my life. They're like the ocean after a storm, dark at the edges and clear in the middles. I don't know how long I stare at them before her voice breaks me out of my trance.

"Hello, are you deaf or something?" She's staring at me with confusion undoubtedly written across her features. Her eyebrows furrow and her nose crinkles at the end, making her freckles dance across the bridge of her nose. The minute I realize how pretty the girl in front of me is, I'm ready to push myself over the edge again.

I feel as if I don't deserve or reserve the right to look at a girl who isn't Alison. I've been doing it for months but with her gone, I feel as if I'm cheating on her in my mind.

"I need to go." I hear myself saying and I untangle my wrist from her grip and stumble over my own feet as I try to get away from the blue-eyed beauty stealing me from Alison with just one glance.

"Dude, you can barely walk on your own. Have you been drinking?" I wrap my sore fingers around the railing and breathe in and out, trying to rid myself of her voice.

"I'm fine, just leave me alone." I snap.

"Clearly you aren't fine enough to be left by yourself. At least let me walk you to your car."

"Only if you keep your mouth shut." I say, rubbing my fingertips against my temples gently.

"Deal." She agrees, motioning to her mouth as if she's locking it up with an imaginary key.

It's wrong, for me to be taking advantage of another minute with this stranger. I could pretend I don't know why I'm letting her walk me to my car when I'm perfectly capable of walking myself, but I'd be lying to myself. I know why I'm doing it. It's because she's beautiful, no other reason.

Under normal circumstances, I would just get her phone number and maybe call her a few days from now. But now, I don't even know what normal circumstances are anymore. I can't just come out and say 'hey, I think you're really stunning but I can't call you because I have a dead ex-girlfriend torturing me from six feet under.' Talk about baggage.

For the first time in a week, I'm able to joke with myself about Alison. I don't joke in the sense that I'm making fun of her, but I'm able to laugh at how ridiculous I sound in my own head. Ali isn't torturing me with her words. She's torturing me with the truth.

I realize that I've laughed out loud and my blue-eyed stranger is looking at me again, very puzzled. My stranger. I like the sound of it, without even knowing her name. But if I know her name, it makes this real.

"You have sad eyes." She blurts out, breaking her previous promise to not talk.

"And you aren't supposed to be talking to me." I counter emptily.

"What has made you so sad?" She asks, clearing ignoring me.

"Right now? It's you." I lie so easily. She's not making me sad. In fact, she's distracting me from why I'm sad and that's why I need to get myself away from her.

"No really, what's got you willing to throw yourself over the pier?" She asks so bluntly. She's unphased by me being rude to her. She just lets it roll over her shoulder.

"You must be new around here." I answer.

"Just moved yesterday actually. From the west coast but I have a feeling you're not interested in that." She says, studying my face for some sort of reaction. I can see my car now. Twenty or so more steps and I'm gone.

I stay silent for a few seconds until we reach my car. I unlock my door and lean against the frame of the now-open door. "Read a newspaper." I say, not giving her the chance to respond because I hop into my front seat and roar my engine to life. I leave her standing there, with her full, pink lips parted in confusion.

I have every intention of going home, but amidst my distraction, I find myself driving around our small town until I'm in the parking lot of the high school. I should be walking in those doors tomorrow, but I can't bring myself to. It's not that I'm afraid of going back to class after missing a week. I'm afraid of what I'll find when I get there. Is everyone as torn up as I am about losing Alison? Has life gone on as normal for everyone else?

For a silent moment, I wish it were that easy for me to go on with my life. The moment passes and I'm staring at the very object that's making it impossible for me to carry on as normal.

I know I'm too sensitive to her words right now but I pick it up and flip to the next entry anyways.

It starts out like every other before it.

Dear Jordan,

Honestly I'm not even surprised anymore. Should I be? Should I be surprised every time you blow me off? I'm becoming numb to it. This time it'll be because you have to edit a film. Next time it will be because James scheduled a last minute concert and you just have to go alone. The time after that will be because you just want a day off. A day off from what? Me? Well go ahead, give yourself all the days off you need and spare me another month wasted on you.

Yeah, that's what I said. Wasted.

The funny thing is, I'm too weak to be the one who ends it because I'm falling head over heels and madly in love with someone I hardly know anymore. I'm hanging onto this lame idea of who you were before, before whatever took over you.

You've changed right before my eyes, and I notice it but I pretend I don't. I've gotten awfully good at pretending, haven't I?

That's the thing about patterns. Once you get into a habit, it doesn't really evolve into anything else. You just evolve as a person to fit the habit.

So please just spare me. Do what you've wanted to do for the last few weeks. Save us both the trouble.

We both know how much you fear trouble.

Until next time, Alison.

This entry is shorter than the rest but it stings all the same. I stare at the high school, my eyes clouded over with pesky tears and wish I never met her at all.