Because I Promised

Nine | It will destroy you.

I would just like to preface by explaining why It's been so long since I've updated.

If you've paid attention to my status updates, you know I can't open Microsoft Word on my computer, so I had to start this chapter over again from the start. I wish I could say that that's the only reason I haven'y updated. However, that'd be cheating.

The other reason is that for the past almost-month, I've been involved in a relationship. Part of being in a relationship is letting go of the things that link you to the past. This story is a big part of the past year of my life.

For those reasons, I have found it extremely difficult to finish this chapter. But I'm not abandoning this story yet. I plan to finish it. I owe my readers that much. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me through the last month and a half of no updates. xx Amanda

Uncertainty. Both a gift and a curse. It can cause curiosity to the core. It can cause ambition and insecurity. It can make a person into what they've always wanted to be. It can also make a person into what they always tried running from.

I watch Kelsey's car disappear along with the hope that she would give me the answers I once thought I deserved. But I don't.

Maybe it's because Kelsey has convinced me that I don't or maybe I've known it all along but Ali doesn't owe me anything. If anything, I owe her everything that I never gave her.

I make my way back to my car and sink into the leather backseat. I don't even know what I should be doing anymore. Is life just supposed to go on as normal? Am I supposed to go to school in the fall and pretend like this never happened? Am I supposed to go on like I never even met her?

I'm laying in my backseat, clutching my own jacket for at least twenty minutes before I can bring myself to open the very object that is single handedly ruining my life. I turn to the next entry desperately.

Dear Jordan,

I just want to start by saying I'm sorry. This whole thing is so stupid. I'm writing in a journal because I'm too much of a coward to say these things to your face.

You know how you get in these moods where nothing anyone says could possibly be more important than what you're merely thinking?

Well, let me tell you what I'm thinking right now.

I hate your stupid grin.

I hate that I'm just Jordan's girlfriend and not Alison. I hate that you're the one who makes it that way. I hate that I'm too afraid of losing you that I let you walk all over me.

I hate that I feel like I owe it to you to be pleasant and not cause any trouble for you. I hate that we always do what you want, talk about what you want, eat what you want, watch the movies you want.

I hate that somehow I've lost myself.

I hate that my friends aren't good enough for you to grace your presence with. I hate that I feel like I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. I hate that I'm in a relationship I swore I would never get into.

I hate that you're changing me into what you want me to be. I hate that you manipulate me because you know you can.

I hate that you're shaping me into this image of a perfect girlfriend who never challenges you or makes you think that maybe you aren't always right.

I hate that you think your opinion is more respected than mine. There is a difference between being respected and being heard.

You aren't highly respected. You're worshiped by those who aspire to achieve your level of raw arrogance.