Because I Promised

Epilogue | Because I Promised

Dear Alison, 

I'm not sure where to start. I've written research papers, scripts, and essays. But I can't seem to find the words I want to use when it comes to writing this. You're gone. I'm not naive enough to think you're coming back. I'm past that. I also know everything now. I know the things you were to afraid to say to my face. I can't go back and change that, but at lest I know now. 

You've asked me to be happy, and I'm trying. I've committed to NYU, fixed my relationship with Ryan, distanced myself from the people who weren't there for me when I needed them most. I've been to dinner at your house a couple times. Michael still won't talk to me but your parents have been really helpful. 

Kelsey still won't look at me but she doesn't kick me out of "The Brew" when I go to get coffee, and that's a step up. 

I miss you Alison. 

I miss your laugh, your smile, the way you crinkle your nose when you don't understand something. I miss your random outbursts in French that I still don't get. I miss you having two wear two pairs of socks in my house because you were such a freeze baby. I miss cuddling with you next to the bonfires in my backyard. I miss you singing "All I Ask of You" when I play it on the piano. I miss praying with you, and going to homecoming, and seeing you perform. 

I replay all of it in my head just to keep you with me a little bit longer. I've gathered a list of things I should have told you when I had the chance, so I think I owe you that much. 

It was only you, the whole time. Denise meant nothing to me. Talking to her felt good when I wasn't getting attention from you. I know now that I just wasn't paying enough attention to you, not the other way around. Just know that she never held a piece of my heart. 

You were the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on. There is no work of art, no goddess, no model or actress that can compare to you. Every imperfection makes you real, and human, and gorgeous. I know you hated your slightly crooked teeth but your smile wasn't crafted by an orthodontist. It was real. Even though your eyes weren't the truest shade of green, they were the color of moss and that's pretty cool. You were always conscious of your weight but that never mattered to me. I know you couldn't keep up with your metabolism and no matter how much you ate, you would never get rid of your bony hips. 

I truly underestimated your intelligence. I didn't know you were in the running for valedictorian. I should have known that. I should have known your GPA was higher than mine, but instead acted superior to you. You were so so smart Alison. You could have gone to any college you wanted. Ivy League's would have fought over you. 

I've never seen a runner with as perfect form as you. You may not have broken any school records or won any trophies but you had form that most professional runners can't even perfect. 

Watching you perform on stage was an amazing experience. You became a completely different person on stage. You know I think your voice is spectacular. That's one thing I never let you forget, even during the bad days. That's talent that can't be created in a studio or be paid for. There is no amount of money that can be paid to learn that kind of talent. That's just something you're born with. 

You had the kindest heart of anyone I've ever met. Maybe I've just met a lot of selfish assholes but you just loved everyone and everything. You loved stray cats walking down the street and homeless Hank who stood outside the grocery store. You didn't have a mean bone in your body. Being hurt and disappointed can cause people to act mean but you didn't get any reward out of making others upset. You were helpful to everyone without expecting anything in return. You put others before yourself but you were never bitter about it. 

You were so faithful. You were faithful in our relationship, but also in life. I don't think you ever missed church. Even when you were sick, you went to church every Sunday and sat with the kids in youth group. That speaks volumes. 

I loved you more than anything in the entire world. I loved you more than film, more than my friends, sometimes more than my family. I would have given everything else up just to have you for the rest of my life. I know actions speak louder than words and my actions told you something else, but I'm telling you now that I was hopelessly in love with you. You could ask my parents and they would tell you that you were all I talked about. I always updated them with the shows and concerts you were in. I was the first to brag if you got the lead in any show. My boss from CVS could probably do a perfect impression of me boasting about you. Everyone else knew what you meant to me. 

I just wish you did too. You were the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before falling asleep. My nights and days revolved around thoughts of you. You were the center of my attention. 

I wish I was more like you. You're the type of person I want to be. I want to be selfless, and kind, and loving, and creative, and talented, and faithful and smart and brave. If I were more like you, maybe none of this would have happened the way it did. 

I can't go back, but I can give you this. I can leave you with this list of some of the things I should have said. This is in no way extensive. I'm sure I could think of a thousand more things that should have been said but I like to think you can hear my thoughts from wherever you are. Maybe it's just God who is all-knowing up there, but I'd like to think you are too. 

I hope you can hear my thoughts. I hope you know how honest this letter is. I wouldn't lie to you, not now. I know you have no reason to believe me anymore, but my last words to you would never be a lie. 

I'm running out of time but before I end this letter, I just want to tell you I love you one more time. I never stopped. You were, are, and always will be the love of my life. 

I'm going to try to be happy, because I promised. 

But for now, I miss you and love you. 

Goodbye Alison. 

With all my love, 

Jordan Alexander Matthews