Because I Promised

Six | I'm not.

A therapist. That's what my parents think I need. They think I need to talk to someone certified in picking apart my brain.

What I need is to understand. I need to understand why I'm here and Alison isn't. I need to understand what happened since November that made her jump. I need to understand why she didn't tell me, or why I didn't ask. I need to understand what happened to me.

I need her to tell me what I don't know. I need her to answer my questions and tell me why. I need to tell her why she didn't love me anymore. I need her to be better, be mine again. I need her to feel that I want her to be mine. I need to look at me like she used to. I need her to look at me like she can't believe she's so lucky to have me, and not like I'm a stranger. I need her to wrap her small fingers around mine and laugh like she isn't embarrassed.

I need her to forgive me. I need her to realize that I was a stupid boy who didn't know how to deal with things, but I'm not now. I'm better now. I'm what she's always wanted now.

I need Alison, not some shrink who can't even begin to understand how I'm feeling.

A therapist might be able to fix me, but never my broken heart.

I need Ali more than ever. I need her next to me, holding my hand as my parents explain to me how my appointments will work. I need her whispering into my ear to distract me from my own life.

I fucking need her. I just need her.

I feel the dampness on my cheeks and know I'm crying again. In fact, maybe I've never stopped. Maybe the seventeen years I spent without shedding too many tears are coming back to bite me in the ass. Maybe I'm condemned to these salty tears that never stop for the rest of my life.

My parents are talking to me, talking with the stranger that I suppose isn't a stranger anymore. They are discussion options for treatment. I almost have to laugh at the word treatment. Treatment couldn't save Alison. I couldn't save Alison from herself.

Talking to someone once a week is not going to bring her back. Lying on a comfy chair and talking about my feelings isn't going to keep away my thoughts of her. They can't take her away from me by forcing the thoughts out of my brain.

"Do you understand?" dad asks, urging me to look at him. I nod, even though understanding is what I'm furthest from.

It feels like hours before I'm left alone again. I don't bother going to my room to read. I just clutch the journal on the couch in the living room and read right there, even though my parents are right around the corner in the kitchen.

Dear Jordan,

You are absolutely infuriating sometimes. It's like you don't get how much of a douchebag you can be without even trying. Just when I think you are yourself again, you go hang out with Dan and James, and all of a sudden, you aren't yourself anymore. You turn into them.

I just wish you knew how amazing you are. You don't have to be like James to be amazing.

Christ, you were meant to be the person you are, not the person you're trying to become.

I told you this tonight. You told me I don't know what I'm talking about.

You know what? Maybe I don't have a 4.3 GPA and maybe I only take three AP classes instead of the five you take, but I know a hell of a lot more when it comes to being yourself.

Which is really funny considering you constantly preach to others to be themselves, yet it's the one thing you're the worst at.

You yell at me when I don't speak up for myself, yet yell at me when I challenge your logic. What do you want from me Jordan? Do you want me to be your puppet, but only when it's convenient for you? Well, I'm not. I'm not your puppet. Maybe I don't like confrontation and maybe I don't like fighting with you, but I don't bow down to you for Christ's sake.

At least I admit when I'm being a stubborn bitch.

Without love, Alison.

I don't know whether I should be surprised or not. She's always right. I did yell at her that night. I told her to mind her own business, but didn't even stop to think that she was only telling me for my own good.

I told her she was just mad that I went out without her.

I was wrong.

I was so wrong.

She was only telling me because she loved me.

I'm so stupid. I was so stupid. I need her to know I'm not that guy anymore.

I'm not him.

I don't know who I am anymore.