fish diary

interlude - regrets

To whoever finds this,

If you're reading this, I'm hopefully dead.

I have realised I'm becoming a monster, I'm not particularly upset by this fact but I know I'm wrong. I've hurt many people - Evian, Tal - which is not what I'm supposed to do.

When I started training to be a knight, I swore to protect. I have failed that.

I ask that a message be sent back to Lanta, my home;

I miss you. Everyone. All my friends, my found family when I was abandoned. I am sorry to have left, I think I regret it but its hard when I am happy with the people I met, please make sure Edgar doesn't do something dumb. And Kai, make sure he also doesn't do something stupid.
I wanted to bring my friends to visit Lanta, and if they do come visit, treat them better than I have. They did nothing wrong.

To Tal;

I stabbed you out of malice. It was a conscious choice. I dont regret it, I was upset that you stabbed Akal and decided to make you feel it too. I dont think I'm sorry, but I should be.
I am filled with so much anger.
But I remember before that, you and Evian bickered all the time, please make up with them.
I like your performing.

To Evian;

You put up with a lot from me. My jealousy, my instability, my distrust. You did not need to.
I hope you and Onyx can be happy.

To Lucius;

I think you're cute, and I would love to have gone out with you and Akal. I hope you can have a better chance at life, don't die. Take care of yourself and Akal for me please.
You deserve to experience the full world happy and free.

To Onyx;

You and Evian deserve a good life. I hope you get that. Take care of yourself and Marla.

To Akal;

I love you. I think you showed me what true life was like, I'll be forever grateful. Explore the world, be happy. If I died fighting you, I'm sorry. You did what you could and I just couldn't be fixed.
I know you probably aren't a fighter, but I want you to have my trident. It was a gift from the King to protect his son, Edgar, at home. I think he would like you honestly. If you dont want it, give it to Lucius.
Take care of Lucius, hopefully you two can explore together. Don't let him die a second time.

I think that's everyone.

I'm sorry I couldn't be better, I was predisposed to be like this.

My papa would be so disappointed... he never got to see me grow up. And my dad willingly didn't watch me grow up.

It's my dad's fault any of us are in this situation, but I cant bring it in me to hate him. My papa helped him so much, they loved eachother so much that when papa didn't come home, dad just broke. He was a good dad up until the day he left.

If I don't die, I hope I don't stay like this.

For maybe a final time,

Mar Sokal