Opaque

29 | The Aftermath

"Criminals are never insecure about their abilities, so why should we be?" ― Agent Beta

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Blaze had done it. My nightmare had come true. He had succeeded, won, and I had all but lost.

Although he was far more intelligent than I'd like to give him credit for, I knew what his goal was. He wanted to get past my defenses, break down my barrier, and to destroy the foundation I had built my inner peace on.

I knew everything, yet I allowed his words to affect me. I wanted to win the fight, not lose, but somehow I had succumbed, submitted, and surrendered. I should've banished his words from my mind. I should've regrouped my emotions, thought logically, and made plans for the future to beat him at his own games, but I did the complete opposite. I allowed his words to echo in my brain, getting louder by the second, and I let him infiltrate my defenses and steal the sliver of hope my heart had contained.

Everything was wrong and yet the same simultaneously. Fighting, training, kicking, screaming--none of it brought the right amount of satisfaction and peace I craved. Irwin High, though it had made its special place in my heart over the past three years, now irked me with its presence.

I wanted to demolish the entire building, eradicate the school from earth, and banish its existence. I was out of my mind, dazed, and damaged.

Blaze had done it.

During the past ten years, I had been standing at the edge of the road. Only a single dotted, white line separated me from the world of madness. I was an inch away from insanity for a better half of my life, but I had survived just fine.

Sure, the panic attacks were awful but they only came once in a while when my present began to mirror my past. They had been bearable before, but now the pain was excruciating and I didn't know how much longer I could withstand the continuous loss of blood.

Although I knew Blaze's intentions, had known that he would play dirty and bring up my tainted past, his words affected me in ways I hadn't known were possible. I lost, fair and square.

"Angie, what's wrong?" Agent Beta made her way to me from her cubicle, her eyebrows scrunched together, confusion and worry swirling in her eyes.

I shook my head and continued to walk towards the exit. I couldn't bear to be in the same building as him.

I heard her approach me, her high heels tapping loudly against the polished floors, but instead of slowing down, I quickened my pace.

"Angie, hold up!"

I threw open the glass doors and stepped outside. I sighed in relief as the sun shone down on my increasingly tanned skin--that's what I get for being out in the sun for long period of time--and finally allowed Agent Beta to catch up to me.

I turned around to find her marching towards me, determination shining in her eyes.

"Care to explain why you just ran out of the building as if it was on fire?"

I shrugged. "I felt suffocated."

She placed her right hand on her hip and gave me a pointed look. Undoubtedly she was trying her best to read my facial expressions with the expertise she had, but, while I was new compared to her five years of experience, I was more adept at hiding my inner turmoil.

"What's wrong? Did Blaze say something?"

I sighed. Wearing my sunglasses, I moved out of the sunlight and into the shaded area of the street.

"He just reminded me of things I rather forget," I said, casually examining my nails.

"Like what?"

Her hazel, almond shaped eyes scrutinized my face, curiosity disrupting the usually normal flow of her face.

"Nothing important," I said, after contemplating my response for a few seconds.

While my heart seemed to have grown fonder of her, my brain was not ready to trust and befriend so easily. My secrets, unlike most people, were buried underneath piles of information, plans, and techniques in mind, where only the most intelligent people would be able to discover them. Like Blaze.

I frowned.

"If it's nothing important, then why are you so upset?"

I shrugged once more. "I don't know, okay? You know how he is. Like most criminals, he tried to bargain for his freedom and it just got a little out of hand. That's all."

"You sure," she asked, skepticism crystal clear in her voice.

I nodded.

"I've been tired lately, so that gave him the chance to exploit my weakness. But don't worry. I'm sure I'll be fine after a good night's sleep."

That was a lie and I knew it, but I said it nevertheless. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in ages, but she didn't know that. Which is why she blindly believed my lie.

"Yeah, you look tired. Agent Hook wanted to talk to you about the Irwin High mission, but I can tell him you needed a break if you want."

I smiled at her. She was too nice, too pure.

"I'd appreciate that. And while you're with him, can you tell him I want to quit this mission altogether?"

Agent Beta gasped, her jaw fell two stories and landed on the ground.

"You don't mean that! You worked too hard on this mission to quit now! Besides, once you figure out who is trying to kill Liz, you can move up in the ranks. Like you always wanted."

I sighed. "I don't know what I mean anymore. Everything has become a blur. I just want a break from all of this stress, you know?"

She nodded.

"I do know, Angie. Matter of fact, all of us do. Being a FBI agent isn't easy, which is why we all had to prove ourselves in one way or another. While I won't say you got an easy task, you know that you could be doing worse right now."

"You're right. It isn't easy and I hadn't expected it to be either, but I just...I don't know whether or not this is all worth it in the end."

She placed a soothing hand on my shoulder. I felt my muscles relax under her touch.

"Look, Angie. I know that something went on in that interrogation room, something you don't want to tell me, and that's fine. I don't need to know. But just know that I'm always here for you. I'm always willing to lend you an ear. And as for this mission and being an agent in general, we've all doubted our jobs at one point or another, but we all joined for one reason. We wanted to serve and protect and I know you want that as well."

"I do, but-"

"No buts. If you want to fight crime like a superhero, you need to stop doubting yourself. Criminals are never insecure about their abilities, so why should we be? If anything, we need to be stronger than them."

"I guess."

She smiled. "Great. Now that we have that out of the way, go home and rest, Angie. You look like you haven't slept in years. Don't worry about Agent Hook or the training session. We have new trainers coming in today and some of the agents are also helping out, so we have it all figured out."

I smiled back at her, tried to reciprocate her positivity but I failed miserably.

I was grateful that I had an awesome, kind-hearted partner like her in my life, but I couldn't help but doubt her words. While I wanted to go home, I knew that sleep would be slow to come and I would end up more tired and upset than I already was. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that, though.

Instead of insisting on accompanying them to the training session, I thanked her and made my way home. If I had known what awaited me inside the four walls of my bedroom, I would've clung to her side and demanded to do anything but go home. But I had been clueless, naïve, desperate for solitude and sleep and so, instead, I walked away from the shining light and ventured deeper into the darkness I called my home.

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