The Indulgence to Desire (SPG)

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Three | Change

Sometimes, it only takes a second to change a person's life forever.

I pace back and forth, forcing myself to calm down at the sight of the tests. I focus on the tiny little breaths I am letting out as though my life depended on it.

No, no, no, no, no. This isn't real. This can't be real.

Nanikip ang dibdib ko habang pinipilit ang sariling huminga ng malalim.

This can't be happening. Valen did everything he could to make sure we were safe. I asked him that night! I was so irresponsible! I forgot about the morning-after pill like it wasn't the most important thing in the world.

This can't be happening.

I hurried to the toilet bowl when I felt bile rise in my throat. Muli akong nagsuka. My tears were drowned out by the nausea, but the thoughts never stopped coming.

This can't be happening.

I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for this. I'm only nineteen! Valen is only twenty! He isn't ready for this!

Shit... Valen! How am I supposed to tell him? I'm getting ahead of myself!

Mas lumalakas ang aking mga hikbi. I placed my palms harshly over my mouth as a new set of tears clouded my vision.

I need to find a way to calm down. I can't face Valen looking like this!

In all my life, I never thought this would happen to me. I am not the kind of person who gambles with my future like this. I'm the kind of person who would choose safe over fun in a heartbeat. I like to have control over my life.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hindi ito sumagi sa isipan ko noon. I don't blame Valen. He did his part to ensure that we were protected.

Sleeping with Valen is a lot of things - it has become my awakening, my solace, and my remedy - but I never would have predicted that it would lead to this. At anong kahibangan ba iyon? Of course, unprotected sex leads to pregnancy!

But I think... my feelings for Valen have forever altered my DNA. Valen has made me reckless. Valen has taken all other thoughts from me. Ever since I fell in love, my mind can only ever comprehend him. I feel as though all agency was stripped from me the moment he touched me.

I have no idea how much time has passed. Hiding in my body, crouched near the toilet, I felt like time froze. Like I could stay here forever if I wanted to.

Halos mapatalon ako nang narinig ang pagtunog ng aking cellphone. If I didn't look at it, I wouldn't have realized that I was holding it so tightly all this time.

Any comfort I felt went down the drain when I saw my mother's name on the screen.

Wala sa sarili kong sinagot ang tawag.

"M-Mom?"

"Lara Celeste, where are you? Your father and I have been waiting for you for two hours!"

My mother's voice is stern and cold on the other line. Pure terror slowly washed over me at the sound of her voice. With my indisposition from the last few days and with what I just found out, ngayon lang pumasok sa isip ko na sa araw na ito ako inaasahang umuwi sa Consolacion.

I harshly covered my mouth with my palm so she could not hear my sobs.

Gusto ko siyang sumbatan na hindi dapat ganito ang reaksyon ko sa kanya. This isn't how a child should feel towards their mother.

When I think about my mother, I only feel an emptiness that I know cannot be cured by anything. I only feel a hollowness— a quiet terror that will never go away.