The Indulgence to Desire (SPG)

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen | Extension

I'm in love with Valen.

I think I'd known for a while. I must have drained myself trying to deny it. But every day, it was getting harder and harder to hide. And last night... I was too emotionally vulnerable to lie to myself.

At saan ba ako dinala ng damdamin na ito? In the floor, crying.

Bumangon ako, trying to hold my base. I can't be here. Alam kong hindi uuwi si Valen ngayong gabi. Maybe he won't ever come back. But I just can't be here. The truth is... I don't think I can bear to be near Valen again.

I grabbed my bag and scribbled a note that I then plastered on the fridge.

Going home for a while. I'll be back for the rest of my stuff. -L

I wanted to include a 'thanks for everything', but that just seemed overly emotional. I want Valen to have this unit. I might have a lot of fond memories in this condo, but the place still belongs to him. I still remember the first time I stepped into this unit. My mother judgmentally scouting the place, my cheeks burning because I caught Valen staring at me from across the room.

My Mom was against the idea of me sharing a space with a man, even if he was predominantly interested in men. But I used all my might and negotiation skills to convince them.

I still remember the exact place he was when I first met him; how his hand felt when I shook it for the first time. I still remember him leaning against the kitchen island while my Mom was looking around the place. I still remember how we stole little glances at each other.

I still remember the exact moment when I realized that Valen was my best friend. It was six months after I'd moved in. Our dynamic was still a little awkward by that time. He was dating his first serious boyfriend then. His name was Dominic.

One time, I was totally sick after being drenched in rain while commuting back to our place. Valen was supposed to have a date or something with Dominic. But he must've noticed that I wasn't feeling well, because I woke up in the middle of the night with a cold compress on my head and a blanket draped over me.

Valen entered the room with soup, water, and medicine. He never left my side that night. I think that was the night he and Dominic officially broke up. He said things weren't working out for them anymore, that it hadn't been for a while. Kapag tinatanong ko siya why he didn't just leave after I fell asleep, he always manages to change the topic.

I still remember the first time I called him 'Valen.' He looked absolutely horrified at first.

"It's very weird, babe," Komento niya.

"Mas weird kaya ang 'Estephan'. Valen, on the other hand, is very pretty. I love it, and I should be the only one who'll call you by that name."

He chuckled.

"Alright, then. If you, love it, I'll learn to love it, I guess."

I think I knew all along that we were gonna become best friends... and that I'd fall in love with him. Or maybe I'd even fallen in love earlier than I thought.

I don't remember the ride to Consolacion.

I just remember my Mom's face softening a little when she saw me at our home's front door. She asked me why I was home. I told her it was a tiring week. She held me by the shoulders with her cold fingers and led me inside.

Coming home was a bad idea. Nakalimutan ko kung gaano kalaki ang bahay na 'to. It always felt so empty. I remember being an only child in this mansion with parents that were too busy and too emotionally unavailable... I don't think I quite got over the loneliness.