The Indulgence to Desire (SPG)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Seven | Gone

I can only remember darkness.

If anyone asked me to describe the weeks that followed, wala akong ibang detalyeng maibabahagi kundi ang tila walang katapusang kadiliman.

After I begged my parents to take me far away from the city, they moved me to a province in Central Visayas where my family owned some properties. I didn't bother knowing where I was, nothing else concerned me except that I was far away from what hurt me, and that my baby was okay.

As it turns out, hindi ko na kinailangang alamin kung nasaan ako, dahil tatlong linggo lang ang nakalipas, I was on my way to the United States.

Hindi naging mahirap ang proseso ng pagkuha ng tourist visa dahil may direct relatives kami sa US.

I didn't dare think about what I left behind, only that I put as much distance between my baby and this place.

Nakasandal ang noo ko sa porthole ng eroplano, looking at the slowly disappearing cityscapes of Manila below me. Despite myself, I smile.

Because not everyone gets to leave. Every day, people stay trapped in a place frozen by their pain and time itself. They force themselves to get out of bed only to rot in a place that doesn't deserve them... a place that they don't belong in anymore... a place that will tear at their wounds every single day, forever stunting their healing. Days turn to months and months to years, but they stay there, stuck, unable to leave, becoming shells of themselves that they can never escape from.

But my baby and I... we have this very rare and real chance to leave everything behind. From here, I have the chance to escape my rage. From here, my baby and I can start over. My child will never know the pain of having a father who never fully wanted them.

And my child will never know the pain of having a broken mother. Because in this new place, Valen does not exist anymore. He cannot catch me now. I've flown, farther and farther, away and away, and he will never touch me again in this lifetime. In this place, my love for him is not something that will lessen over time. It won't be something that I'll have to actively force myself to forget day by day, because, in this new place, my love does not exist in the first place.

Valen will not be a shadow of the past, always haunting and hovering at the dark corners of our new lives, because I will not allow him to exist.

Despite everything, new hope springs from my chest.

"Lara," Salubong ni Daddy paglapag namin sa Portland International Airport, "Before we let you go, there are some things you should know."

My father proceeded to list all the things they wanted me to do. Turns out, this chance isn't some privilege that parents give to a daughter who has made a mistake and is at the lowest point of her life. Napagtanto ko sa sandaling iyon na sa pamilyang ito, walang binibigay na walang kabayaran.

If I wanted to stay under their protection, pagpapaliwanag nila, they had four demands I must abide by. Una, my baby will handed to the care of my relatives after I give birth. Ikalawa, I will pursue a degree in business. Ikatlo, when the time comes, they will call upon me and send me back home to help with the family business. Finally, they will choose a husband for me over time.

Naturally, I wanted to tell them off.  I'm not going to give my child away, and I am sure as hell not going to marry some random man. Much less a man handpicked by them.

Ngunit sa unang pagkakataon, I felt powerless and out of options. I don't trust my parents to take care of me if they don't get what they want. I know this much now.

So I shook their hands, and I told them that I didn't want to see them again unless I needed to.

I'm going to get my citizenship, get a job, give birth to my baby, and then we can start living our life without needing anyone else. It's that easy, I tell myself, my parents will be none the wiser.