You're The One Holding The Gun

|chapter 4| comfort

⚠️(️This chapter mentions an eating disorder)⚠️

With trembling fingers ballister slowly tries to unbutton his shirt, of course he struggles doing it with one hand but manages to pull it off. He shudders at the cold air in the room, or maybe it's just his fever that makes it seem so cold. His eyes stay locked on the ground as he kicks off his pants as well. The cold really starts to sink in.

Against his will his eyes meet the mirror Infront of him, it takes a few seconds for him to even recognize himself... "ballister Boldheart". He scoffs. What a pathetic display. He's grown weak and disheveled. It's not fair.. this isn't him. This is some sick joke. He worked for decades to get his perfect body. Years of overworking himself and perfect dieting to get a more masculine body shape.

His hands trace up to his shoulder, feeling the harsh scarring and disgusting infected flesh.. he still needs to go to a doctor to get that properly healed. He sighs and instead looks at the nice clean scar across his eye. He never wanted scars but training can get intense sometimes. He winces slightly at the memory. Not that he'd ever admit it but he could never really see right properly out of that eye after that. And to think it was some lower knight that did that to him, no one with amazing talent like ambrosious but a random Knight. He curses himself for being so weak.

But.. maybe he's glad he didn't get that scar from ambrosius.. they hurt more when their from ambrosius. His fingers trace up to a few more scars that have been healing less then safely. Another reason he's let his body go. It's so hard to move. His left arm is always sore, not used to being used so much. With the infection on his right he can't wear his prosthetic. His cracked ribs and other painful scars limit his movement. He tries to keep himself active but even simple training leaves him sore for days after.

Once again his eyes falling on the mirror this time a much more uncomfortable image stares back. He notices how.. feminine he looks. His Less than fit body leaves him looking curvy, he covers his chest. Even with surgery he still can't be happy with their sized. It was fine before but now that he's eating more it feels like all that effort went to nothing. His body is disgusting.

He rips his eyes from his reflection, sniffling and whiping away the tears that have formed in his eyes. His stomach twists uncomfortably. Why is he so disgusting. He shivers again, realizing he's freezing at this point. He slips back into his clothes, fighting with the buttons. He shifts uncomfortably, sighing and turning to go downstairs.

~~~~

It was late, ambrosius was still out doing his duties, ballister had they day off so he lay sitting with nimona on the couch, she's in her human form, watching the TV, her eyes half closed in borem. Bal glances slightly twords her, a smile coming to his a face but soon fading. This all must be so hard for her. He's been so caught up with himself and ambrosius he never stopped to think about how nimona feels about everything that happens. They haven't even spent that much time together. He sighs loudly before speaking.

"Nims?" He says softly, catching her attention, "yeah, what's up boss" she says with her normal smile on her face. He wonders if it's fake like his. "I'm .. sorry" at first nimona shakes her head "boss that was months ago, stop apologizin-" "no" he cuts her off. "not for.. that, though I am still so sorry about that. I mean I'm sorry for not taking care of you, for never asking how you feel about a Change in lifestyle like we had. I'm sorry for not taking your feelings into consideration more" he says. From the look on his face nimona can tell this is something he's serious about. "Boss.. you did more for me than anyone ever. You took me it, gave me shelter and food and... a reason to live.." they smile softly, looking up at the very sad man. Bal feels a bit more assured but he still doesn't feel right.

"But.. I mean what about this" he gestures around, "I basically threw you into a family dynamic without asking if you're ok with that. We should make decisions like this together but I was.. selfish. I wanted to act like everything's ok. I wanted.. I wanted my security back and I didn't take a moment to think how you would feel... I'm sorry" he rants, nimona is a bit conflicted. They want to comfort ballister but they know he's right. They aren't really ready to be part of a family like this especially not with her decendednt. She sighs. "I know boss.. thank you for apologizing but what's done is done" she smiles softly at him, climbing on his lap and hugging him. "How about we try taking it slower though?".

He looks at her "what do you mean?" He questions in a weary tone. "Nemesis is a bit .. overbearing. I get he wants us to all get along. And you may forgive him for what he did, but I dont" they state, a gentle look on their face. Bal seems to get it and nods. "I'll talk to him about it.. I'm sorry he makes you uncomfortable. How about we try talking a bit more as a group? Maybe you two can clearly lay out what you are comfortable with" he says, squeezing nimona in a tight hug. She smiles and nods happily. "Thanks boss.."

~~~~

When ambrosius returns home he is met with a heart melting sight. His perfect boyfriend with nimona snugged in his lap. They seemed to have both fallen asleep while waiting for ambrosius to get home. He smiles and covers the two. He notices bal fell sleep in his prosthetic and he would have to wake him up later but for now he grabs something quick to eat, taking care of a few things around the house before returning to quietly wake bal.

The dark Knight stirs awake, groaning. Nimona stays out like a rock. Bal looks up at the Golden haired angel above him. "Mhh hello handsome" bal yawns, shifting slightly and placing nimona on the other side of the couch. Ambrosius chuckles, picking bal up and kissing his neck gently. "Hello love~" he says, carrying bal upstairs to his bed. It feels like he does this often. Picking up bal like the perfect little princess he is. He chuckles to himself.

"So love, how was your day" he asks. Bal rubs the sleep from his eyes. "Mhh it was fine. I had a talk with the kid..". Ambrosius nodded, "oh yeah? what'd you talk about?" He says while helping bal with his arm, using some ointment and wrapping the nub like the doctor advised. "You" he says softly yet.. nervous. Ambrosius paused and raises an eyebrow at bal. Now he was really paying attention. "Me?" He questions. Bal kinda shrugs. "I was .. apologizing for treating her like a kid, I didn't consider how any of my actions affected her .. she seems fine with everything except.. you" he says quietly.

Ambrosius would be lying if he said he didn't expect this but it didn't make it feel any better. "Oh ..." bal looks guilty. "Its.. it's mostly about the .. galorith thing. And she is still uncomfortable with you being so... overbearing?" Bal tries to explain but just ends up sighing a bit. "I love you, ambrosius. But you can be a bit .. y'know... and I absolutely love how much of a big teddy bear you are but nims still has some things to work out". Ambrosius listened with intense understanding, his eyes full of love and concern. "I recommended we have a family chat about it, they seemed to like that idea" bal says softly, leaving a gentle kiss on the lips of his golden angel.

"Alright. How about tomorrow? We'll talk and hopefully we'll understand each other a bit more... I just want her to be comfortable here ..." ambrosius admits, hiding his face in the smaller knight's chest. Ambrosius notices bal feels a bit thinner than normal but doesn't mention it. "I know love. She will, just give her some time to adjust". With that bal and ambrosius slip into bed, ambrosius wrapping himself around bal like a burrito. Bal squirms to get comfortable but eventually just gives up, falling asleep wrapped in his boyfriend's strong arms. Some part of him still screams of the danger being so close to someone so strong. Being completely vulnerable around him. But if course he doesn't listen, slipping into a deep sleep. For the first time in almost a year, he has no racing thoughts. He just sleeps.