Break The Distance

4

You don't know what you were expecting when you got out of the shower but you didn't plan on 10 missed calls from Han. You don't know if you should call back or leave it for now because his last call was a while ago. You opt to put on pajamas and wrap your hair in a towel to dry. The phone rings again, to your surprise, and you're not sure if you should pick it up since you've only managed to get shorts on.

Sighing, you wrap your body in a towel again and pick up because you shouldn't intentionally ignore Han, especially after knowing he's mad at you. You're glad you're still in the habit of wrapping your hair in a towel despite it being short now so you don't have to put the wig back on.

"Hey..." you pick up, not sure what else to say.

Han's face fills your screen and you immediately feel guilty again, even before he starts speaking.

"I'm sorry for going silent earlier, I just... today wasn't a great day for me and you still refusing to open up to me just kinda pushed me over the edge. I... I get it, we don't really know each other, I'm just a texting buddy and I shouldn't try to pressure you for information. I just wanted to get to know you. I want to know you. I know it's cheesy, but I love hearing your voice, seeing your face, texting you, joking with you... I muted myself because I was so stressed I started crying... and that song you sang before you hung up made me more emotional to the point that I couldn't form words from the lump in my throat."

Han looks at you, glossy-eyed as he continues.

"Because I hope you feel that way about me. I hope that that song felt relatable to you too. Maybe I'm overextending and projecting my emotions onto a song that you just sang because it was in your playlist. Maybe I imagined the emotion in your voice or your sniffles or even your teary face that cut out a second later. But I don't want you to shut me out, but at the same time... I shouldn't have taken my bad day out by ignoring you."

You swallow the lump in your throat and resist the urge to cry. You grip your towel tighter and press play to the song again, watching his reactions as he fully hears the song. Once it's done, you muster the courage to speak again.

"You're so important to me, Han Jisung. And I've never had anyone I care about like I care about you. You make me feel safe and loved, I'm always thinking about you, even though I try not to because I'm scared you won't want to stay with me- because all it would take is you blocking me for me to be alone again. It scares me because the more I fall for you, the more I crave your touch, your voice, your presence. And I know I can't have it so I try to distance myself because if I keep it impersonal I can fight back those feelings a little longer."

It feels like Han is staring into your soul as you express your feelings.

"I'm so scared of losing you, yet I keep pushing you away. You feel like home, Jisung. Even if we're not together in person, you are my home, you are my safe space. And I'm such an idiot because I can't express my emotions most of the time," You finish, giving him a weak smile.

"Ah, late-night confessions," he laughs, making you laugh too.

"Ji, it's like 6:30 pm your time," you say, smiling.

"You're right, I should wait another 4 hours before I confess anything."

You frown, maybe you misunderstood his words and he doesn't feel the same and you just made a fool of yourself and he's trying to play it off.

"I'm sorry," you mutter, "I'm not great with my emotions."

Han frowns, his eyebrows scrunching up.

"No, you're okay. I understand it and I appreciate that you're trying to reach out finally. Sure, I'm frustrated that you didn't talk to me earlier, but I get that emotions can be hard to put into words and it can be hard to trust someone you've only known through texts and calls and it's hard to put yourself out there not knowing if you're going to get hurt in the end. I haven't been doing the greatest either, I've been covering up how I feel with jokes when I should have just told you I want to know you and that's why I keep asking questions instead of waiting until it overflows."

You nod, biting your lip.

"Agree to communicate better?" you ask.

"Agreed." Han smiles.

"So, I'll tell you anything you want to know except for anything to do with my work because I don't want to violate my NDA. That includes where I live so your only hint with that is that it's a time zone close to yours."

"Ooh, tell me your whole life story!"

You snort at his antics but comply, turning off your camera to get dressed while you talk.

"It all started when I was born on a cold February day. My mother was a Japanese woman, and my father was an American. Born and raised in Cali. My mother had always been sick as far as I could remember, she passed away when I was 14, I think. My father was devastated, drank a lot, and got mad at me for looking like her."

You put the wig on again and turn your camera back on as you sit on your bed.

"I could never see the resemblance, but he would always say I got her eyes. My father got violent. Hated that I was a reminder of his late wife, hated that I survived and she was gone. That's why I told you I don't like to be touched, I was abused for years, really I only just got out of that situation moving far away with my new job. It's dumb, I trained in plenty of self-defense and yet I let him keep hurting me up until I left the US."

You shudder and change the subject.

"I met my soulmate on my 19th birthday at a concert and my exam finals were the week of his birthday. Great luck, right? Nothing too big in my life, really. Average childhood, decent grades, a proper graduation from an academy, and now moving across the world for a job."

"Tell me more about this soulmate of yours."

You smile at Han asking about himself.

"He's 5 months older than me. The cutest smile. A great rapper for a K-pop group growing in popularity. He's so energetic and humorous. Sometimes I think he riles me up on purpose. He's so dedicated to his work and I find it endearing like his positive attitude. He can sing too, his voice is beautiful. He's got the most contagious smile, and when he pouts, I want to poke his cheeks because he looks like a chipmunk."

"Ahh, stop stop. You're embarrassing me," Han laughs, his phone shaking.

"I could keep going. He struggles with anxiety a lot, and what I feel may be some depression. But he doesn't let it hold him back even when he has to leave concerts from panic attacks. Those are the moments I just want to hug him and tell him everything will be alright but he beats me to it and keeps positive, bouncing back each time. He's got a sweet, caring soul and even though I try to push him away, he doesn't let me." you pause, hearing sniffling.

"Y/N, you're making me cry."

"I'm sorry, Ji. You asked about yourself and I just said whatever came to mind. Oh, sometimes he texts me when he's anxious and those are the moments that I feel like I'm actually important to him!"

Han smiles at you through the camera and you stop talking to watch his teary-eyed smile.

"Thank you, Y/N."

You feel a warmth in your chest and this time, you don't tamp it down. Maybe it's not so bad falling for him through your online interactions.