striving, falling behind
getting lost on the overgrown tracks
falling out of the traincar and onto the frozen ground
stones digging deep
pictures hurting deeper
the rumble of the train that leaves me swaying, distancing steadily
there's equations for that, you know
for the things that break you
nostalgia slapping me across the face, saying, it's what you deserve
constant
longing
for whats been lost
constant
fearing
for what will be
and this numb, numb
present
it's what you get
deal with it
or don't
it shakes me to the core
every day, waking up
i dread my bare sentience
because it's grown
into an unbearable monstrosity
an unbearable want for destruction, flight,
for feeling something that doesn't make me want to cower behind walls, under tables, under blankets of ignorance
into this ancient dread, that it will never get better
this ancient fear, towering over me so tall
i need to tear something apart
i need to throw stones, mend with the past, accept the fate, scream into the abyss, need to calm the fuck down
go forward again
be daring once more
i need to run
i need to hide
change my name
and everything that makes me
escape
start somewhere else
start something else
but the poison seeps through everything you build
no layer of brick, of metal, of granite, marble, concrete
can ever keep this away from you
and it's not your fault
not directly
its no one's fault really
just a consequence of your mere existence
it shouldn't surprise anyone anymore
it keeps coming at you
you can't shut it behind the barricades or doors and walls
you can fight all you want
but don't shatter if it gets to you, you'll only make a mess
