you will feel like a world collapsed
and you will ask yourself
why
why me, why now,
why
and you will say
no
no fuck,
fuck shit, no, why, no
and you will feel terrible
i promise
you will feel shattered
you will come downstairs for the first time in days
when the corridor smells like summers years ago
and you don't know where to put it
because you can't remember
but it feels so wrong
you come downstairs for the first time
after crying and crying
and it will smell like summer
and you will be so, so scared
overwhelmed
scared
you will be scared
then you will step outside
not because you can or want,
but you go outside and the hot, heavy air
will crush your lungs
you will go outside and collapse under the weight
you can't take it
you can't breathe
you will have to sit down for minute after minute on end
convincing yourself again and again
stand up
you need to stand up
now
get up
please
you need to go home
and it takes so much time
and you are so scared
clutching your hand to your chest
trying to keep the flood inside
you are scared
and the first half of the way
you will cry
and it will hurt so, so much
and on the second half
up until to your front door
you will try not to,
because summer will crash
and convincing won't be enough anymore
