Three weeks had passed and those were the saddest weeks of my life. Pakiramdam ko ay lalong nadadagdagan 'yong sakit na nararamdaman ko sa bawat araw na lumilipas. Nasanay ako na laging nakatatanggap ng text message mula kay Sarah tuwing umaga, bago ako pumasok sa school, tuwing kakain at bago ako matulog. Sobrang pagbabago ang nangyari na ang mga natatanggap kong text ay galing sa mga kaklase ko na niyayaya akong lumabas pero lagi akong tumatanggi. Nanibago ako na walang My Sarah na lumilitaw sa screen ng cell phone ko kapag nakatatanggap ako ng text messages.
Masyadong nag-aalala ang mga kaibigan ko at maging si Mama sa kalagayan ko. They said that I look suicidal. As if any minute, I'll kill myself. If only I could. Kung pwede ko nga lang tapusin ang buhay ko, baka ginawa ko na noong araw palang na nalaman kong patay na si Sarah pero hindi ko ginawa dahil hindi dapat. Alam ko rin na hindi gusto ni Sarah na tapusin ko ang buhay ko nang gano'n lang kaya naman kahit mahirap, kahit masakit, pinipilit kong mabuhay.
In just a span of two days, it's already month of February. Guess what? I was so excited knowing that every month, I'll be reading a memo from Sarah. Siguro sasabihin niyo na basahin ko na nang minsanan ang lahat ng memos na 'yon pero ayaw ko. I wanted to do what she wanted me to do and it somehow made me feel that she's still here. I didn't want to lose the excitement that I was feeling just to read her memo every month. Ito na yata ang nagsisilbing pinaka-dahilan ko kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay nagagawa ko pa rin ang gumising.
For the last three weeks after Sarah has died, I kept on locking myself inside my room. Araw-araw din akong pumupunta sa bahay nila. Sometimes, I was sleeping there and the weird thing was I imagined that Sarah was sleeping with me.
Some of you might ask how I survived the first three weeks without her. Well, you know, I was in school till six in the evening. Kapag nasa school ako ay sinisikap ko talaga na 'wag munang isipin si Sarah though it was really a hard thing to do because she never left my mind. Kapag umuuwi naman ako, binabasa ko ulit ang January memo niya para sa akin, titingnan ko ulit 'yong ginawa niyang scrap book at saka ko panonoorin lahat ng videos niya hanggang sa makatulog na ako at pagkagising ko ay umaga na. Panibagong araw na naman. Gano'n ang ginagawa ko kaya siguro buhay pa rin ako hanggang ngayon.
Dahil nga February na, some of my classmates were texting me "month of the hearts it is!" I just smiled bitterly whenever I'll be receiving that kind of message. I can't feel my heart being happy since that day when Sarah has died.
May klase ako ngayon kaya naman pumunta muna ako sa school namin. Ang ilan sa mga guro ko ay tinatanong ako kung ayos lang ba ako dahil simula yata nang mamatay si Sarah ay hindi na nila ako nakakausap. Even my friends are worried. Hindi na kasi ako katulad nang dati na kahit seryoso sa pag-aaral ay nagagawa ko pa rin ang makipagbiruan sa kanila. Makisabay sa kanilang kumain sa cafeteria. Pero ngayon, mas gusto ko na ang mag-isa.
Since it's already Febuary, dumeretso na ako sa bahay nina Sarah. I opened the door and turned on the lights. Nililinis ko ang bahay na 'to pero hindi ko binabago ang pwesto ng mga gamit. Gusto ko na manatili itong katulad noong namatay si Sarah. Pakiramdam ko, kapag binago ko ang itsura ng bahay ay mawawala 'yong ala-ala na meron kami ni Sarah. Minsan ay tumatawag sina Tito sa akin para kumustahin ang lagay ko which I considered as a thoughtful thing. Hindi kasi nawala ang koneksyon namin kahit wala na si Sarah.
Panandalian ko munang tiningnan ang palibot ng bahay bago ako pumunta sa kwarto ni Sarah.
I sighed as I smelled her perfume. I was spraying her perfume in this room so that I can still smell her. Pakiramdam ko ay nandito siya dahil sa pamilyar na amoy ng pabango na 'to na ginagamit niya.
"Hello, Love. Nandito na naman ako," I said as I looked at her portrait in her wall. Iniisip na siguro ng iba na nababaliw na ako dahil kung umakto ako ay para bang buhay pa rin si Sarah at hindi siya namatay.
I hurriedly get her phone in her cabinet and smiled when I saw again her picture. Kung titingnan ay sobrang saya ni Sarah sa picture na 'to na kasama niya ako. Iniisip ko nga kung 'yong lalaki ba na kasama niya sa picture na sobrang saya ng ngiti ay pareho pa rin ba sa lalaking nakikita ko ngayon? Sa tingin ko, hindi. Hindi ko na kayang ngumiti nang ganyan kasaya ngayon. Hindi ko na maramdaman na masaya ako dahil tanging si Sarah lang ang may kakayahan na pasayahin at pangitiin ako nang ganyan. Si Sarah lang at hindi na 'yon mangyayari dahil wala na siya. Wala na si Sarah.
I wiped my tears and let out a sigh before reading her next memo for me.
February
It's love's month, Loviiiidubs! Haha!
So, how are you? Congratulations! You made it! See? You can actually live without me. I told you! While I am doing this memo, I am imagining what if I am still alive? Maybe we'll be planning now our romantic date on the 14th day of this month. Of course, Valentine's day, right? I am imagining that you'll pick me up here wearing a white tuxedo, holding a bouquet of red roses and looking perfectly handsome as you wait for me walking downstairs while I am wearing my black dress with a touch of white. Nice, isn't it? Then we will be heading to a classy restaurant and enjoy the whole night of being together and in love with each other. But then, we both know that it's just my imagination and it will never be a reality now.
Hey! Are you planning to date someone aside from your thesis? Oh, please. Take a break on that thesis of yours! Go and ask someone for a date! I won't be mad or jealous if you do so. I will surely be happy. You know what; don't imprison yourself to me anymore. You should set yourself free as what I did to you and I know that you won't obey me. You are stubborn as always. Kaya minsan, gusto kitang upakan e. But please love, if you can feel that you're falling already, go on! Don't think that I might be mad at you or what. You know that I won't, right? Mas matutuwa nga ako kapag nalaman kong sinusubukan mo na ulit ang magmahal ng iba kasi hindi naman yata tama na wala na nga ako pero ako pa rin ang iniisip mo. Pinapahirapan mo lang ang sarili mo kapag patuloy mo 'yang ginawa, Love.
By the way, before I forget, I have watched a Korean drama series whereas girls are the ones who give chocolates to the guy they love. So I did it. I just hope that it is still edible. Haha! I have put it inside the freezer. Go and check it. Happy valentines, Love!
Your valentine,
Sarah ❤
BINABASA MO ANG
Without Her (Edited/TagLish)
Novela JuvenilLahat tayo, may minamahal. Minsan, sila ang nagiging dahilan natin kung bakit tayo nagiging masaya. Kung bakit tayo ngumingiti. Madalas pa nga, nangangarap tayo dahil sa kanila.Madalas nating ma-imagine ang future na sila ang kasama natin. Masaya na...