Taking Control

Chapter Nine - All This Gossip, Rumours Spreading

Remember how I told you that in Year 8 Ellie and I grew apart after she had basically gotten rid of our entire friendship group lineup? Well after that, I hopped between 2 friend groups. The first one was that belonging to one of my best friends since reception, Jodie. Her friendship group consisted of herself, Malia, Emma, Gabrielle, and Maisie. I had already met Malia a few times and she welcomed me with open arms. Emma and Maisie had it out for me from the start and Gabrielle was kind of just neutral, she's a very nice person but at the same time I could tell she shared the opinion of her best friend Emma. I hung out with them for a few weeks but Emma and Maisie would always tell me to go away and find some other friends so I obviously didn't enjoy that environment and I ended up going over to my friend Gabbi and her new friend group. We had fallen out after the argument Ellie and I had had with her which resulted in her being kicked out of our friend group, but Gabbi and I did soon become friends again. Her new friend group was very odd though, they called themselves "the squad" (no hate, we were 13, it's all good, we all did very cringe things at that age and I have no issues with any of these people anymore.) They basically never wanted me there from the get go and were quite mean to me, excluding me at every opportunity they got and basically just hating on me. We had a huge argument which resulted in me calling them some things that I will admit were horrible. I was obsessed with Scream Queens so I would often use Chanel Oberlin quotes as insults and it just wasn't nice to be saying to 13 year old girls. We were both horrible to each other and after the argument I ended up back with Jodie's friend group for a while before Gabrielle made me sign a petition promising to only hang out with them 2 days a week, leaving the other 3 days of the week to be spent with Gabbi's "squad" after we had kind of made up. By the end of Year 8, Emma and Maisie had started to accept me as part of their group and Gabrielle abolished the whole "2 days a week" contract. I finished the school year with Jodie, Malia, Emma, Maisie, and Gabrielle being my friend group and luckily for me this was the last time I'd have to hop between different friend groups. I also became close with a girl named Lily around this time. She's still one of my best friends to this day and we sort of became friends when we met in Year 7, but I don't think she liked me very much because I put her initials in my Instagram bio and we weren't that close at that point. At the end of Year 8 she came out as lesbian and I was in full support of her which made us a lot closer. She was also friends with Gabbi so we formed a cute little trio that we still have to this day. Emma was always very critical of me at the beginning of our friendship. She would make fun of my physical appearance and ridicule me for months on end, constantly trying to tear me down. By about halfway through Year 9 we were quite close though so she toned down the insults a bit, but she still had a lot of toxic traits that I will touch on quite a bit later when it all becomes relevent. In November 2017, only a month after I had turned 14, a boy in my year started messaging me on Snapchat and we had a very intimate conversation. One thing led to another and he basically offered to take my virginity. At this age I was still very much creeped out by the idea of sex, to me it seemed like a sin to do it at such a young age. I didn't want to offend him so I reluctantly agreed to meet him in a toilet cubicle at school and do the deed. The day before I couldn't stop thinking about it and how I didn't want to do it so I eventually gave in and messaged him, saying that I wasn't ready. It's safe to say things were a little bit awkward between us after that, like...for years! I featured in my friend Ernestos song in 2017 when I was 13, which I still listen to if I'm honest, it was a cute bop! Year 9 was an important year for me because it was the year I got back into my performing. We had to pick our GCSE options and I of course wanted to do music but there were certain requirements in order for me to do that. I was terrified but my friends pushed me to talk to the music teacher (thank goodness for them) and I told her that all I ever want to do is music. She told me that I could for sure do music for my GCSEs but I would have to join the choir then and there. That was the catch! My friends Lily and Izzy were already in choir so it wasn't too bad, we just kind of used it as a socialising setting every lunch. They also did GCSE Music with me. The end of term whole school assembly in Easter 2018 was the first time I performed in front of anyone in almost 3 years. I was 14 and my previous performance was at the age of 11 as Dancing Dave! I had so much fun and was reminded why I loved performing. It was apart of the school choir and we sang This Is Me from the Greatest Showman. I didn't love being in choir but I did get a kick out of performing. The 2018 Summer show was incredibly fun. Lily and Izzy had a tradition of getting coffee before every show and I joined in on this tradition (fun fact - I still do this now even though I don't perform with them anymore, CUTE!) The performance went great and I just loved being on stage. I also started taking a drama class that year which also had my friend Malia in it and I think that taught me some performance skills and helped me gain confidence too. By this point my song writing had really evolved and I was starting to make actual good songs. Year 9 had been an eventful year but I enjoyed it as a whole and I felt as though I finally had a group of friends by my side. There was a new problem to be had however when I started to fall hard for Emma's ex boyfriend.