Love me better [Fyolai Highschool Au]

Ruthless Brain

Tw: nausea and... switching POVs. F is Fjodor obviously and N is Nikolai. It's still third person ofc, but I felt like if I switch too much, it's easier if I clarify it.

F
When he heard a knock on the door, his heart jumped. Did his father come back alone? The last few hours had been torture. After Dunja said mom and dad were coming, he had pretended to sleep again, but he had no idea if his dad believed the little charade. His heartbeat fastened as the door slowly opened.

"Fyo?" A wave of relief flushed through his body as he heard the familiar voice. "You're awake!" The white haired boy ran towards his bed. "I'm so relieved. Are you okay? How are you feeling?" He wanted to answer, he wanted to tell Nikolai he was okay, but the words got stuck in his throat.

He wasn't okay. Not at all. Not after suppressing every damn shiver for the last few hours his dad's voice sent down his spine. Not after every memory that was brought back to him by the mere presence of that man. Not after the sight of Nikolai made him remember it all over again. Apathic he turned his gaze towards the window.

"Fyo, please, talk to me." Softly Nikolai reached for Fjodor's hand but even the slightest touch made him flinch. Quickly he pulled his hand away, then realized what had happened and stared at Nikolai. Confusion and pain mirrored in those crystal clear eyes. I'm sorry, he wanted to say, but all he got out was a cough. He wanted Nikolai to hug him, to tell him it would all be fine, but at the same time he felt like he would throw up if he did. He felt like just the thought of it was enough. And he hated himself for that.

N
Nikolai was confused as Fjodor pulled his hand away. He didn't know what he had expected, but after all they'd been through, he thought it would be okay. Seemed like it wasn't. He could see that Fjodor was fighting within himself.

"It's okay", he said, in an attempt to comfort the other. "Don't feel bad for that. We've been there before, we'll get through this again." Fjodor closed his eyes and laid his head back against the pillow. Nikolai wanted to hug him right now, but he knew he shouldn't do it. Not right now. He hated himself for not being there when Fjodor woke up. He had wanted to be the first to be there.

Just so he could do anything, he went to the table, filled a glass with water and handed it to Fjodor. The frail hands of the other boy shivered as he reached for it. Surely he called himself pathetic now again. He always did that. And he could see in Fjodor's eyes that he was right. Quietly he sat down again, watching Fjodor drink a few sips of water, then closing his eyes again.

F
For a while they just sat there in silence. The water in the glass shivered alongside his hands. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't stop it. It had worked the whole damn afternoon, so why now? Suddenly the shivering stopped. Surprised he looked at his hands, at the glass, where Nikolai had put his hand, carefully watching not to touch Fjodor. "It's okay, Fyo. He's gone, I'm here. It's over for now."

N
He regretted that last 'for now' as he could see what it did to Fjodor. It brought back memories and fear. He could see the blood drain from his face. Nikolai quickly grabbed the trash bin just as Fjodor started to trow up those few sips of water he had drunken earlier. He whined every time the muscles tensed up around his chest because of the broken ribs. Instinctively he grabbed his hair tie and pulled Fjodor's black hair back into his neck. Nikolai could feel how tense the muscles on the other one's shoulders were, and not only there. The fingers clenching the edge of the bin went white from the pressure.

Nikolai suppressed the urge to put an arm around Fjodor. Helpless he sat next to his boyfriend, watching him cough and shiver and he could do nothing. He had already pressed the nurse button and when the white dressed woman finally came, all she did was changing the bag in the bin. "Trauma induced reactions can happen", she said before leaving.

F
He wasn't mad that the nurse just left them. He didn't want her to see him like that. He didn't want anyone to see him like that. He hated himself for making Nikolai feel bad beside him. Nikolai was probably overwhelmed with that situation too. Why did he have to come in the first place? And why did he stay? Why did Nikolai always have to be there when he was at his worst?

When he felt tears forming in his eyes, he quickly turned his head towards the window. Slowly the nausea stopped, but the emotions stayed. He was a pathetic helpless fool, who only put his burdens on others, on Nikolai. He had no right to do that. Nikolai even got hurt because of him. He had been very lucky to end up with just a brain concussion after going against his father. What was he thinking of letting another person in his life? All he could do was hurt the people around him. His father was probably right, this was the punishment he earned for his crimes.

"Fyo, look at me, please." That single tear that had burned in his eye had multiplied to hundreds and thousands. Just leave, he wanted to say, to shout, but his throat felt constricted. It was like every word he would say was another crime, another sin he would never be freed from. Maybe Nikolai would just leave eventually and hate him. Hate him and never come back.