Letters from the Other Side

4.1.7 How the Grinch stole Christmas, unrequited love and work problems

Seventh newsletter

23 February 2007

My Christmas was a bit of a disaster. My two Hungarian housemates dropped me badly when they arrived, drunk as lords at church people's Christmas Eve party. I was only invited because my Filipino friend, Manuel, begged the hostess to bring someone. It was only a "pity invite". My housemates were there when he told me and before I could stop him, he felt compelled to invite them too.

Christmas morning I was livid and I couldn't even look at them. I went to the church service alone and then I went back to Phetchaburi on my own. At church I walked the Walk of Shame. That hostess gave me such a dirty look, that was not in the Christmas spirit at all, that it made me blush even to my little toe. I wanted to say; "They were not with me", but then I realised I couldn't.

After church I took the minivan taxi back to Phetchaburi alone. When I got home, I phoned my family at once. Thailand is 5 hours ahead of South Africa, so the time was perfect. One by one they came on the line, their voices so carefree and happy, I straight away burst into tears when I put down the phone. After a nice, long, snot-and-tears cry, I felt hungry and I opened up a can of tuna (because that was all that was in the house). An hour later I promptly vomited it all up. (Note to reader: I am allergic to seafood, but I only developed this allergy as an adult and didn't know it at the time.) As I lay there on the squat toilet, bathroom floor I was at my lowest, low point yet.

So, Christmas was a downer. But at least I forgave my housemates. Eventually. They looked so pathetic and guilty when they arrived at the house, tails between their legs.

The one fantastic thing that did happen is that I met someone. His name is Andrew and he is clever, attractive and interesting. He is Korean but he grew up in America so he has that sexy American accent. He oozes charisma and that self-confident, easy leadership that most Americans have in heaps. I'm smitten. He is friends with my Filipino friend, Manuel and he also attends ECB church.

I told Manuel I had a crush on his friend and it seemed like he was a bit quieter than usual afterwards. Pi Noi, an older Thai woman who works with Andrew and also attends the same church, invited me to go out with them one night. On the way back my American dropped me off at the "Sawasdee Smile" and I could see how seedy it looked in their eyes. I think they were a bit shocked and they realised for the first time how much I was struggling in Thailand. Then Noi invited me to go sleep over at her place for the night.

Andrew looked like he liked me. In the beginning. But the more he liked me the shyer I got. I think my shyness put him off.

Out of the blue, I was very self-conscious and sat there with nothing to say for myself. Even I couldn't believe how shy I had become all of a sudden. Many times the women are the brave ones in the beginning. But my bravado waned quickly. As my bravado evaporated, so his interest did too.

It wasn't long before he started avoiding or "ghosting" me, as one so aptly calls it today. Every time I went to Bangkok I looked forward to bumping into him at church or at mutual friends'. But every time I'd arrive I'd inevitably hear that he wasn't coming any more. I was crestfallen. Every time. Foolish woman.

Every now and then I'd send him an SMS, you know, just to make sure he's still alive. Probably much more than I should have. Just as that source of immeasurable wisdom, the movie "He's just not that into you" warns us, I just didn't want to see the writing on the wall. It was very difficult but I had to admit it to myself. He just isn't interested in me.