The mad-cap adventure and fairy tale, film story of a quixotic, middle-aged woman who won't give up on her dream and ends up in every scrape imaginable.
Back to reality. Back on the horse. Most people agree that Social Media can be quite fake sometimes. "Don't compare someone else's highlight reel to your uneventful, everyday life", is still my favourite truism of Social Media.
The sad part is that when you're honest, you get criticised for that too. People call you negative. Yet I feel it's important that I'm honest because every dreamer should be prepared for the price they will have to pay for their dream. So, if I'm going to get criticised at least it'll be because I'm honest. Don't say I didn't warn you, fellow dreamers, but don't get me wrong: it's still worth it!
One year ago, when I was working as an English TEFL teacher in South Africa, I was profoundly, thoroughly depressed. I was stuck in a cycle of poverty, in a job that frustrated me and living on the breadline. I was so despondent I stopped exercising. I was so busy marking tests and writing assessment reports that I hardly went out anymore. I got more isolated, more demoralised and eventually ill. ("The Pursuit of Happyness").
Then I took a huge risk and followed my dream to study filmmaking in Cape Town. It was an outrageous thing to do because I only had half the funds, in donations, but I was so desperate I just dashed in like a wild horse with reckless abandon.
Yes, you guessed it.
I came back with less than nothing. I placed everything on the line and I lost it all. I failed. Big Time.
After that I looked for work. I probably sent my CV to more than 50 production companies. And I got nothing.
I started a crowdfunding campaign because I realised my course was only an introduction, a fantastic introduction, but I still needed more training. And nothing came of that either.
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First we moved in with my uncle, on a farm he managed in Glencoe, Kwa-Zulu Natal, for two months. Then we moved into a one-bedroom apartment, back home in Pretoria. I slept on a mattress, on the floor of the open plan living room and kitchen area.
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Six months of job hunting passed and things got worse and worse. At the moment I am surviving because my Father in Heaven has sent human angels to provide a roof over my head and groceries. Yes, once again my family supported my mom and I. They paid the rent and they brought groceries.
Even I can see, and admit, that they have a point in their grievances against me. The only problem is they are blind to the full complexity of what I'm dealing with. They think it's an easy solution. To give up on my dream is NOT a solution, it's a tragedy!
I'm living this reality every day. I can assure you, this is no mere children's puzzle-piece-riddle to solve. What appears so simple to those standing on the outside, is very complicated to those who are in the thick of the battle. In the passages of the labyrinth, everything is under mist and clouded in darkness ("Pan's Labyrinth"). Those standing outside could not even possibly understand, unless they have been there themselves. Which they have not. But I'm sure this whole homily, sounds to them, of course, like just another excuse.
I encourage myself with stories of successful film professionals who also had to crash on their mom's and friends' couches and drive beat-up old cars (not that I have ever even owned a car, I ride a scooter). I'm just like hopeless Annie in the movie "Bridesmaids". Unlike Romy and Michelle, I didn't even have the guts to show my face at my high school reunions ("Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion"). It really encourages me to know I'm not the only one.
I still have complete and absolute faith in my kind, heavenly Father whom I know has saved me from rock bottom (yes, it could have been so much worse). It's just a miracle when people open up their homes to me. I see God in their actions and I'll pray for their blessing.
There is a world of judgement on me now. I have made mistakes in the past. I own it. I have a chequered past when it comes to my work history and finances. I have struggled a lot. People see this as a repetition and they want to beat this crap out of me. Us artists have a hard time in this left-brain world where we do not fit in and no one understands us... ("La La Land").
All I'm saying is, though I came back empty handed; At. Least. I. Tried.
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