Emotionless |seongjoong|

*3*

Hongjoong:

Finally, the weekend! I could stay at home and rest from pretending to be who I am not. I decided to laze around for half of the day, then do some side hustle and finish with a movie. After all, most of my projects, were completed. I had cleaned up and planned to take a takeout instead of cooking. The only thing left was to do my side job cause I needed the extra money. Being a ghost songwriter was useful and paid me well. And I had a lot of my old lyrics that needed just a little bit of touch-up. I was ready to sell them all. It didn't matter. But one, one I could never sell. And I didn't want to for the past couple of years. Even my brother told me not to sell it, and he framed it for me.

Those lyrics were somehow important, even when I couldn't feel it. Because when I sang it for the very last time, I felt like a human again. Even if it was for a brief moment. I still could remember that rainy day, the smell of it, the outline of that person. Yet, I had forgotten the face of that man and the way he made me feel anything. Well, I kept it as a memento of what I could never have again. Feeling human, something I wasn't. Because, I could no longer feel.

...

I was working on my side hustle when my phone rang. I had a couple of notifications too. It was Wooyoung. Once I picked up his call, he started blurting out something stupid. Woo wanted to have dinner together. That brat just wanted to use my place as a restaurant. I tried to refuse him, but he was persistent. Honestly, escaping prison would have been easier than getting away from Jung Wooyoung. In the end, I had to agree to the little devil's demands. It couldn't be helped. He was one of my best friends.

"So, who's coming?" I asked him.

"Just me and Seonghwa. I wanna do team dinner," he said in a high-pitched giggle.

Ah, again that guy. Recently, Park Seonghwa was everywhere. Yet, I couldn't fight after agreeing. So, I hung up on my friend and decided to finish up my work before heading out for some alcohol.

...

Around half past six, I heard my doorbell ringing. It was most likely Seonghwa. Wooyoung never rang the bell, he would have banged on the door until I had opened up. So when I opened the door and met Seonghwa's face, I wasn't surprised. He had that nervous face, just like the last time in the library. Anyways. I led him to the living room and texted Woo, at the same time. He was nowhere to be seen.

"I was told to bring some fried chicken. Woo said that you guys like it a lot," Seonghwa tried to break the ice.

"To be honest, I am tired of fried chicken," I said, watching his face change expression. "You couldn't know, so it's not your fault. "His face was flushed red in embarrassment. "Um, wanna order pizza?"

"Oh, sure," he spoke, being somewhere else.

"I'll bring us some beer. Make yourself home," I said.

I excused myself to the kitchen. Judging by the mood, it would be a long night. Maybe I could bring out some soju too. I tried to find the one sent by my mother. It was a little stronger and helped up with tough ice to break.

By the time I had returned to him, Seonghwa stood in front of my lyrics. He was reading them out loud in a quiet voice. It was more like a murmur. For some reason, his eyes were on the verge of crying. Were my lyrics that touching? I guessed they were, at least for him.

"Here, your beer," I pulled him out of his own word.

Once I gave it to him, he took a big sip. Maybe he was still a little flustered because of earlier. Perhaps drinking some could help him a bit. So when we sat down, I left him to drink some more. Meanwhile, I texted Wooyoung to check when he was coming. That guy deserved death. He cancelled on us at the last moment. So it was only me and Seonghwa. We could put an end to that night. But he already took the trouble of coming by. I needed a drink too. There was a long night ahead of us.

At some point, the atmosphere became lighter. Both of us got chatty. We were talking about the most random things. Movies, hobbies, video games and so on. The more we spoke, the more personal our talk became. Well, I couldn't tell him about myself and my emotionless self. But it was enough. His way of describing emotions was enough for me to understand. For the first time in a very long, I felt some bitterness deep inside of me. Was I missing having emotions? Yet, I couldn't feel anything else except emptiness. It was probably the alcohol. Or Seonghwa was such a smooth talker that it tricked my mind into believing such a thing.

...

At some point, I left to go to the bathroom, leaving Seonghwa alone. It wasn't for too long, just a quick minute. But when I returned to my living room, Seonghwa sat on the floor, holding my framed lyrics. It was as if I had a deja vu. That picture in front of me has sent me back to that rainy day a couple of years ago. A beautiful boy was crying alone. And just like back then, I couldn't stay and watch him. I sat next to him, reaching my hand towards the crying beauty. Seonghwa didn't refuse my touch.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, but he didn't answer me.

My sense of deja vu got stronger. I decided to try the same thing from back then. So I tried my best, singing that song to Seonghwa. At first, Hwa got better, his tears dried up. But by the end of the song, he started to cry stronger. Then he jumped onto me and hugged me as if his life depended on it.

Seonghwa:

I couldn't contain myself. I stood in his place. Those lyrics, were framed on the wall and stared at me. It was making me sad and hurt. That pain was deep inside my chest. Hongjoong was keeping it there for everyone to see. Yet, he couldn't remember me. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair, and it hurt me so deeply. I took those lyrics in my hands, wanting to hide them. They were our special thing, yet everyone could see them. It made my legs weak. I sat down on the floor, crying.

Soon, Hongjoong came. He saw me there, and just like before, he sat next to me. He tried to talk, but it didn't work. Then, Joong sang to me. Hearing those soft words pulled me back from my sadness, but it wasn't for long. It just worsened everything. Hongjoong couldn't recognize me, yet he did the same as back then. Did he do it for other people too? But it was our special thing. Our song. And Joong was my special someone. But was I just one of many to him?

I had to do something. He was my one and only. I couldn't allow him to get snatched away by someone else. At the very least, I had to confess. It would be better to get rejected than fail without trying. I wasn't going to give up without a fight.

I collected all the courage I had, before acting up. I jumped onto him, hugging him, at first. Then I kissed his lips. Gosh, it was like being in heaven. His lips were so soft and warm. I felt like melting. And to top it all, Hongjoong kissed me back. Goddammit! I was indeed melting under his soft touch.

"Please... date... me," I asked him out in between our kisses.

"Sure," he responded.

I felt like dreaming. At that point, even if it was a dream, I didn't want to wake up. It felt soooo good. I was getting dizzy. Everything was spinning around, but it didn't matter. I was ready to die just for this moment of excitement.

Hongjoong:

Seonghwa passed out soon after I agreed to date him. To be honest, I had no idea why I had agreed to date him. Maybe I had some pity left deep inside of me. Or was it something else? Either way, I had to move him from the floor. So I picked him up and carried him to my bed. Once I put him in my bed, I tried to take off some of his clothes. They seemed uncomfortable to sleep in. but it was hard. I could barely take off his pants and hoodie. I guessed it was enough. So I tucked him under the blanket and went for a shower. I could sort out my thoughts while showering.

...

When I returned to the bedroom, I found Seonhwa hugging my pillow. I took my pillow back and slipped under the blanket. Now, instead of my pillow, he was hugging me. Maybe he was from the people who couldn't sleep without a cuddle pillow or something. I left it as it was. After all, I could sleep under any conditions.