Emotionless |seongjoong|

The end

Hongjoong:

A couple of months passed since Seonghwa promised to help me with my mental health. But no matter how hard he fought, for my salvation, nothing much changed. Well, the only change in me was that pain in my chest every time I looked at Seonghwa. He made me feel something. I couldn't stay away from him, yet it was so painful, being together. I could no longer do that. I just couldn't. It was too painful watching him try so hard for nothing. He was only wasting his time with me. I had to put an end to all of that suffering. And I planned to do it tonight.

So I locked my apartment, leaving the key inside the lock. He could not get inside. Then I prepared a message to all of my friends. It was a final goodbye to them. It was set, to send itself once I was gone. There was another one, meant for my beloved Seonghwa. That message... I planned to send it myself. It wouldn't be fair for him if he received the same text as everyone else. He did too much for me. Seonghwa was the only person who dared to love me and fight for me. Even if that was a lost war.

...

Once I put my stuff in order, I poured some soju, my last drink in this damn world. Drinking it was as painful as my life so far. But I needed it. Once I finished the bottle, I went to the bathroom. There, I turned on the shower, took off my clothes and got the razor blade. Once, I was prepared, I sat on the floor under the running water. The hot shower water felt burning on my skin. I raised my arm, and the razor blade and met them together. Crimson blood ran down. It was deluding in the water, draining down the drain. Watching it go down, feeling the pain, I took my phone and hit send. Now, there was no way back. I sent it to Seonghwa. Then I sliced my other arm. I could feel the life leaving my body, just like back then when I lost my emotions.

Seonghwa:

I was on my way to Hongjoong's place when I received a text from him. At first, I thought he texted me as usual. But after catching the first line, the colour drained from my face. It wasn't a normal text. It was a suicide note. He was sending me his farewells. The moment, I realized it, I dropped everything and sprinted towards his place. Nothing else was important, but to get there in time. Every second was important.

As I was running, I tried to call Hongjoong. But he wasn't picking up. In my head, was only the thought of being too late. I had to be there on time, I couldn't allow him to die. I just couldn't let him go. I called 112(911) on my way there. Burning tears were falling down my face.

"Please, send an ambulance to this address. A person is trying to kill himself. I don't know what exactly he did, but he's in danger!"

"Mister, please calm down. Can you tell me that person's name and more about him? Do you have access to that person?" The woman on the other end asked me.

"His name I Kim Hongjoong, he is very thin, 23y/o. No, I don't have access to him right now. I'm going to his place now."

"How do you know he is suicidal? Does he have any previous attempts?"

"He sent me a suicidal note, and he has been suffering with depression for a long time. Please, send someone right now!" I was panicking.

I reached Hongjoong's door. It was locked, and my key didn't work. I had to get inside. I had to. I took a step back and kicked the door. It didn't budge. I kicked it again and again. After a couple of attempts, I managed to break the door. The apartment was dark and empty. The only sound was coming from the bathroom. I rushed there. The door was open.

On the bathroom floor, under the shower, was Hongjoong. He was pale as a canvas, and the water around him was crimson red. I could see his slashed wrists. I fell next to him. The lady of 112 was still on the line with me. She helped me not to break in that moment.

"Mister, you said he was bleeding, can you check if Mr Kim is still breathing? The help is on the way!" she said, in a calm voice.

I took Hoongjoong in my arms and tried to see if he was still breathing. His breathing was faint. I checked his pulse, also. Both were so faint. I could feel the life slowly leaving his body.

"His breathing is weak, his pulse also!" I panicked while explaining.

"Where are the cuts?"

"Both of his wrists, they are slashed!"

"Mr. Park, stay calm. Mr. Kim needs you. Do you have something to wrap and tighten around the cuts to stop the bleeding?"

"No... wait, my shirt, I can use my shirt!"

"Tie the cloth tightly. Once you do so, lay that person down and raise his wounded arms above him," she instructed me. "Please, stay strong, Mr. Park, until the help arrives! They are close by."

I did everything she had told me to do and waited. It took them about five minutes to arrive. But for me, they felt like an eternity. I spent every passing second being afraid. Hongjoong's life was on the line.

...

"Seonghwa, did you know about his depression? Did you know he would do this?" Yunho asked, ready to kill me.

"I sort of knew. I mean, he didn't show any signs of suicidal thoughts," I explained. "Dammit, I should have paid more attention to him!"

I was an emotional wreck as we waited in the hospital. Hongjoong was in the surgery room for such a long time. And we waited, standing on edge. San was barely comforting Wooyoung, who couldn't stop crying. Well, all of us were crying our eyes out.

"Why weren't you there? Why you didn't help him? Why you didn't stop him? Aren't you his beloved boyfriend?!" Yunho was angry and he was venting his anger on me.

"Do you think I don't ask myself the same!" I raised my voice at him. "I tried my best, but it wasn't enough!" I grabbed Yunho by the collar.

"You should have tried harder!" he responded, grabbing me back.

Before anyone could react, we were on the floor, throwing punches at each other. We rolled and hit. Both of us were so damn furious and we vented on each other. To the point, we wounded ourselves and bled on the floor. San tried to pull us apart, but he was struggling. The hospital guards had to break us apart. But we didn't feel any better.

Hongjoong:

I woke up under a glitching bright light. Was this hell? Maybe it was. After all, I felt some warmth on my side and some weight. I tried to look around. My head felt heavy. But I managed to spot someone's head resting on my side. I knew who he was. Seonghwa. Did I fail? Did I make him suffer by my attempt? Fuck! I just hurt him more. Burning tears rolled from my eyes. Fuck! Fuck! I hurt him more than I had hurt myself.

"Hongjoong! My baby!" I heard his tired voice. "You are finally awake!"

"I'm sorry, Seonghwa. I didn't mean to make you suffer," I said, looking at his bruised face. "What happened to you?

"You damn fool, don't you even dare to do it again! You scared all of us." Seonghwa scolded me. "Do you know how much I missed you?" Seonghwa cried out loud.

"I'm sorry, Hwa."

"Fool, my fool," he cried more. "Just promise me to stay by my side."

"I'll always stay by your side, always, I promise you!" I said, looking him in the eyes.