Emotionless |seongjoong|

*8*

Hongjoong:

Once we cleared things up, we decided to lie to everyone else. He made up a lie, and our friends believed it. Hwa told them I got too scared because he was my first date. No one thought it was a lie. But that was one of many struggles to overcome. The main problem was Seonghwa sticking to me like gum to my shoe. He was more annoying than before, especially when he said all those pointless words. All those 'I love you' and 'You are loved' were annoying. What was the point of telling me all those things when they meant nothing to me? Hwa was only wasting his words.

At least things were a little better at uni. Even if had to pretend to be in love with Seonghwa in front of everyone. It would be too suspicious if I acted cold out of nowhere. And Seonghwa lied to them that I just got too scared and I didn't know how to deal with it. All of them bought that lie. It wasn't a fully peaceful solution, but it was working for the moment. Just temporary, until Seonghwa decided to give up on me. I was ready to wait for that moment. It could take a week or a month. Eventually, he was going to give up on this relationship. No normal person could stay with someone like me. An emotionless, cold statue that would never return the love.

...

"Let's go on a date!" Seonghwa chirped, while we headed towards my car.

"I'm going home, there's a lot to study," I responded.

"Then it's a home date!" Seoghwa quickly turned the tables.

No matter what I was saying, Seonghwa wouldn't give up. He was following me, sticking to me like a gum. So we dropped by the store before going to my place. There, I bought some energy drinks, while Seonghwa bought some groceries. I just ignored him, even when we returned to my place.

We sat down in my living room. I spread my work materials all over the coffee table, leaving a minimal amount of space for him. I was ready to study, but Seonghwa interrupted me. He told me to wait for a bit. I waited while he was borrowing my kitchen. In a couple of minutes, he returned to me with a plate of snacks. I thanked him and concentrated on my work afterwards.

At some point, I started to doze off. It was the result of skipping my nap. And just like that, I drifted away into my nightmares. They were the main reason I didn't sleep much most nights. It usually took some time before the nightmares revealed in front of me. Yet, that period wasn't long enough to give me any break. Thinking about it, the only time I didn't have nightmares was when Seonghwa stayed over. However, a single time like that meant nothing. It could happen with anyone, staying over that close. Probably, my mind couldn't fully relax because of the stranger in my bed. Well, now the nightmare was revealing around me.

At first, it was a pure darkness. A quiet and empty darkness. Something I was used to, to the point that this darkness was indifferent to me. Actually, I preferred that indifference over the upcoming nightmares. My mind wandered in the dark for as long as it could. Yet, the darkness didn't last long. I got pulled into a painfully well-known scenery. A cold, grey world. In that world, I was alone, sitting on a swing, waiting. I knew what I was waiting for. I've been inside this nightmare so many times, and I knew what was going to happen. In a couple of blinks, I got surrounded by faceless people. They appeared out of thin air. And slowly, one by one, they reached out their hands towards me. I didn't want to take any of them, but my body moved on its own. I took one of their hands, and that was when the twist came. I got pulled out of the swing and pushed towards the muddy ground. I fell into the cold mud. Once I looked up, I saw big, evil smiles on their faceless faces. They were laughing at me, and their laughs echoed around me. Some of them threw stones at me, some kicked dust on my face, and one even poured their drink over me. I could see the white mild dripping down my hair. The laughs grew louder. I wanted to run away. I wanted to escape, yet my body reminded me still. It wouldn't move, no matter what. I was about to cry when the frame changed.

Now, I sat in a classroom. I sat on my desk, looking down at the table. The whole surface was covered in hate speech. There were curse words, racial slurs and life threats. As I watched the ruined desk, I heard the laughing following me. Here they came. The faceless people surrounded me once again. They wore the same uniforms as mine, my classmates. There were so many around me. I couldn't even count how many were there. Too many people, there's too many people. And they threw garbage at me. Someone poured dirty water on me. My whole being was soaking wet. Then, someone placed a box cutter on my desk. I couldn't hear their words, but I knew by heart what they wanted to tell me. They wanted me to kill myself. They wanted me to bleed to death in front of them. I reached my hand towards the box cutter, shaking so badly. I almost dropped it. I pointed the blade to my bare skin, ready to end myself.

I was about to do it. The blade was only a couple of millimetres away from my skin. And I got pulled out of my nightmare into an unfamiliar scene. I sat on the side of the road, under the pouring rain. My body was cold and soaked when someone placed an umbrella above me. I lifted my gaze, seeing a bright, colourful person. He was singing to me. He sang my song. The light and colours of that person were spreading around us. I raised my eyes even more to see the face of that mysterious man, my saviour angel. It was Seonghwa, Park Seonghwa. His voice was louder than the laughs. His light fought the grey coldness, spreading colours and warmth. Seonghwa reached out his hand and brushed away my tears. I could see his kind smile.

I woke up in my living room. I wasn't alone. Seonghwa was sitting on the floor beside me. His head rested on my side, and his hand gently caressing my face. His body warmth was spreading over me. But my attention was taken by something else, the smell of home-cooked meal. I looked confused at Seonghwa, who was smiling gently. I could see a slight glow around him. Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me.

"What are you doing?" I asked, confused.

"You were crying in your sleep. I think you had a nightmare," Seonghwa responded.

"That's something usual," I responded.

Seonghwa's face changed when he heard that. He had a sad look full of pity. But he kept quiet. Instead, he stood up and reached out his hand to me. I didn't take it. Instead, I stood up on my own and headed towards the kitchen. Seonghwa followed me. There, I saw a lot of home-cooked food. All of those dishes were things I liked. Did Seonghwa cook all of that? Yes, he did. He was still wearing an apron.

"Thank you," I said to him.

Seonghwa nodded before telling me to wash my hands. While I did it, he was serving us food. I tried to help him, but he refused my offer. Once he placed everything on the table, he gave me forehead kiss. I didn't pull away from him. But I didn't respond to it either. My mind was too busy to question my dream. My body moved on its own, sitting down and taking my chopsticks. I tried his food. It was good. It was tasty.

"How often do you have nightmares?" Seonghwa asked me.

"Every time I close my eyes to sleep," I responded.

"Every single time?" He asked, and I nodded in response.

I didn't want to talk about it. So, I kept our conversation as short as possible, avoiding some of his questions. Instead, I observed him. Why was he in my dream? And why did he have that effect on my nightmares? He was the first face I could see, the first voice I could hear. And the first one to bring colours to my grey world. I had no idea why. And I couldn't explain it. But he managed to disturb my already disturbed world. It was such a strange world.

"Honghjoong-ah," Seonghwa called my name. "I love you!"

"I know," I responded.

Seonghwa:

I spend my day with Hongjoong. There was some progress. If it could be called that way. But even if it happened in tiny steps, that was plenty. It was alright because I was ready to play that game of pushing and pulling. The most progress we had was when he was asleep. I saw him crying in his sleep and decided to give him some of my warmth. I wiped away his tears and sang our song. When Hongjoong heard my voice, his tears dried, and a look of relief bloomed over his face. Not to mention the way he looked at me during our meal together. And he shared a bit about his pain. If I stuck to my plan, pushing him more, Hongjoong could open up to me. I wanted him to share his burden with me. I wanted to help him overgrow it.