Shoelace

Early Mo(u)rning Thoughts... (inspired by Unicornzzz13's Late Night Thoughts)

My life, I consider, shouldn't be lived by anyone else but me. I don't have any relationship troubles, or family troubles, but those troubles I don't have that everyone else has, I have them emotionally. I'm just... a bomb... I have no timer, no fuse, no cables... but I'm still a bomb. I'm just waiting for the right moment to blow up, for good or bad. For me... or for you... my emotions are a mess, and my mind is worse. I have five to eight voices in my head, well... there aren't any less than five. I keep hearing myself think and then I hear "what if you didn't say that, or they don't hear exactly what you say? What if someone listens to your thoughts? How insane do you think people who see you think you are? Why do you keep doing this? Why not just put an end to it?" I hear this... everyday, a war of what ifs, why dont yous and how abouts. I doubt my every thought all the time, I overthink everything, it drives me insane and its killing me emotionally and it wont be long until it does physically... and this is why I visualize my life going two directions, either bad or worse. What other choices are there? I dont kill myself, even when I have the thoughts, because I say I'm not worth it. I'm not worth causing people pain, Im not worth living... im not worth giving people so much pain. But it's not like I will cause that much pain, people will move on and forget. But leaving everything because I wasn't worthy of it is not what I want. Many would kill to bring people back... And acting like THIS is not fair for them. They lost many, and I lost too, but I cant give up on life just because im horrible at it, I cant give up on life because there are those who died for no reason who deserve a chance at life... I speak this with bone dry eyes, but an aching chest. My heart pounds faster than my uneasy breath, I hear the fan in my ear, the sound of dogs barking, the cars tires just sliding through the wet roads, the chirping insects that make all sorts of sound, im almost about to make a song with them. This loud silence is piercing, its so loud my ears are ringing. It hurts to listen to such horrible silence for as long as I'm doing. The sound of my throat swallowing saliva scared me, it woke me up from this trip i was going to... its already 1:47 am, it hasnt been long, but I wish to say goodnight now, even if I get carried in this conversation with my voices, these helpful and helpless voices that guide me closer to the brink of insanity, I feel as much pity to them as people do to me. They are damned to live inside me and cursed to look for ways to change every meaning to everything I think. They keep trying to make me rephrase what I write... it works when I dont notice, but sometimes I notice I'm rephrasing, that's when another voices say that they noticed that I noticed, then the other says that they noticed that they noticed that I noticed. I notice this and I keep saying and forever will say; you can save me from danger... but not from myself.