The Psychology of Falling in Love

XI. intermission

AN: Mature content, cis hetero sex (scary), mental illness mentions

♫Falling Apart - Michael Schuler♫

October 13th.

As soon as I sat down, my mouth fell open. "I fucked up, Doc."

"How so?" He set his ankle on the knee of his other leg, eyebrows raised.

"I talked to Claire. And I..." I began to cry. "I was overwhelmed with the thought that I wasn't good enough for her. And seeing her in pain over liking me so much, it hurt me. So in order to get her to move on and heal, I...I told her I didn't give a shit about her."

He blinked, making no effort to hide his shock. Without missing a beat, he replied: "Okay. So, I want you to close your eyes and think about that day. Think hard about that day, bring forward those emotions. We're going to name them and then you will assign the reason why they happened."

You're worthless. Psychotic. Mentally deranged. Why would anyone want to love you? Your own mother doesn't love you.

You need medication just to stay in the real world. Imani and Raine have a hard enough time dealing with you. They get so disappointed. They get so angry with you for making their lives harder. You put them through so fucking much, all because you don't know how to function.

You are nothing. You have always been nothing. A speck of dirt on a clean slate.

"Open your eyes, Aria," Doc roused me gently.

Fuck.

♦

October 19th.

"You are worth it. You are worth it," I chanted at myself in the mirror in my bathroom.

"You deserve the world. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You are strong, you are powerful."

I dry-heaved into the sink, snot running out of my nose.

♦

October 20th.

"I'm here to ask if I could possibly have an extension on the current paper, and the late work. I understand it may not seem like I'm a good student, but I am," I took a deep breath. "I'm just going through a lot of mental health issues."

Dr. Gettis smiled at me softly. She was like a sweet hippie grandmother. "Miss Erickson, I have no problem extending your due date and allowing you to make up for late work."

My shoulders relaxed with relief. "Thank you, Dr. Gettis. I promise, I'm going to try to finish this semester out strong."

"If any of your professors give you a hard time, sweetie, just let me know."

My entire Friday afternoon went like that. All three professors happily gave me extensions. There was just one person left to ask...

I stood outside of her office. The light was on inside, so I knew she was in. My mouth dried out and my body shook.

"Oh, Miss Erickson?" Dr. Moore called my name.

A wave of negativity slammed into me as I turned around. "Hi, Dr. Moore."

"Do you need to speak to Dr. St. James? I'll let her know," he smiled, attempting to be helpful. He had a take out bag in his hand from the Lakeside Cafe.

"Uhm. N-no, actually. I'm fine, I honestly forgot-" I backed away and waved my hand dismissively.

Fucking wimp.