Crush (Siglai/Fyogol) (Hiatus)

Traitor is spelled with a T from Tsushima

Ever since I stopped talking to my so-called "friends," things started going from bad to worse. I failed a couple of exams in school, and a teacher who had known me since seventh grade told me I was different and seemed to be doing assignments without interest.

Things at home were also terrible. My parents started arguing constantly, and their arguments were usually about me.

Both of them worked, so they were often late to pick me up when I used to study in the morning. But since I started studying in the afternoon, the problem was about who would take me to school.

When they argued about it, I felt awful. They had repeated to me a thousand times that I was the result of careful planning. They always knew they wanted a child, and that child was me. So, why did it seem like I was a burden to them?

It didn't feel good at all.

The only good thing was that, after some time, the wound of Dazai and Fyodor not talking to me began to slowly heal. I had a great time with Sigma and other kids from the class. In fact, I talked to many more people than before, even with students from other grades. I don't know, it made me feel popular.

But that didn't mean I would become a jerk, of course. You have to handle things in a healthy way.

Once, in physical education class, I got hit in the face with a ball. And despite the pain and everything, I really felt like it was, up to that moment, the best thing that had happened to me in the school year.

And yes, I know it sounds very masochistic and all, but this year has truly been a complete disaster for me. I had a great time with Sigma, of course, but I missed having a good time with the guys. We used to laugh together, have a lot of fun. And I knew that, even if for some reason we managed to fix our issues, things wouldn't be the same. Resentment would still be there, deep, growing slowly and silently like cancer until it made itself known, and we'd explode again. Nothing would be as it was before.

That's why getting hit by the ball felt like nothing had changed. I laughed like I didn't remember ever laughing before, the whole class laughed, in fact (except Dazai and Fyodor, who are idiots), and it felt like I was me again, with my radiant happiness, as my mom often says.

It was fun. Yes, we laughed a lot, I laughed at myself, despite the pain. It felt good. It doesn't mean I'm a masochist.

My birthday was on April 1st. It was a Saturday. My parents took me out to eat, and we had a good time. On Sunday, we went on a day trip to a little village. Their intention was for us to stay for a couple of days, but I didn't want to miss school. Adults say all the time that school is like your second home, and for me, it's true. When I was little, I never played with the kids in my neighborhood; my parents didn't let me go out without them.

In school, they weren't always hovering over me, and I could make friends and get along with other kids. I love my parents, of course! But come on, I need a bit of freedom.

I didn't tell Sigma that it was my birthday.

When I arrived at the classroom on Monday, there was a note on my desk. I sat down and looked at the note; I immediately knew who had sent it.

"Stupid," I muttered.

On the note was a drawing of Sigma and me, locked in a heart with hearts on the sides. Was it supposed to be a bad joke? Obviously, it was from Dazai and Fyodor. They were making fun of me. I got angry.

"Hey, Sigma," I called.

"Yes?" he replied.

"Do you know how to look discreetly?"

He made a gesture as if he was evaluating me. Sigma made a lot of gestures, had a critical look. He also rolled his eyes a lot. But even when he made those gestures, he still looked beautiful.

"Who do you think I am?" he asked. "No one looks more discreetly than I do."

"Can you do me a favor, then?" I asked. "Can you discreetly look and tell me if Fyodor and Dazai are looking at me?"

He got up and went to throw something in the trash. Then he came back and approached me.

"They are looking at you," he confirmed. "They are saying something."

I was left speechless.

"How did you do it?" I asked, amazed. "I didn't even see you looking at them."

"I told you," he boasted. "No one looks as discreetly as I do."

I thought about it for a moment. Then I got up and apologized to Sigma for the inconvenience and went to the trash can. Giving my best hateful look to my "ex-friends," I crumpled the paper into a ball and tossed it into the trash can as if it were nothing. I looked at them again with anger, and they turned their heads.

In a way, I felt a bit guilty. They made a gesture of being truly hurt.

But they were trying to make fun of me. I won't let them get away with it.

The rest of the day was very normal. During the break, Sigma and I went to the vending machine and bought gummy candies and cookies. Sigma loved cookies. In the last two hours, there was a civic event for the opening of this year's sports tournament, starting with a student versus teacher match, but it wasn't obligatory to stay and watch, so we left and sat outside the library.

"Can I ask you something?" he said.

"You just did," I replied sarcastically. He rolled his eyes.

"When's your birthday?"

"It was two days ago."

"What?" he exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't important."

"Of course it is!"

I don't know if it was just my impression, or if Sigma really blushed as violently as it seemed. He sighed and searched for something in his bag.

"Well, luckily, this morning I had a feeling that I needed to bring you something," he commented. "You know, intuition."

He put a beautiful butterfly necklace in my hands.

"It's not like I'm calling you a sissy or anything," he rushed to say. "Happy birthday, Nikolai."

My heart was beating so strongly that I felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I thanked him and put on the necklace. It fit perfectly.

We kept talking for a while. He told me about his family. His father was already retired. He had a brother who was thirty-two and lived in England. His name was Abraham.

His other brother was named Tatsuhiko, and he was twenty-one. Then there was Atsushi, who was ten. They all had different mothers, and since his father didn't want any of them to carry his surname, they all had their respective mother's last name.

It was nice that he talked about it with me. Not everyone feels comfortable enough to talk so openly about their families.

Everything was going great. But as always, it didn't last long.

"Hey, that guy coming over... isn't that Dazai?" Sigma asked.

I shouldn't have looked. I should have said I didn't care and kept talking to him about our lives.

But I looked.

Indeed, the guy coming this way was Dazai. But he wasn't alone.

He was accompanied by a short, red-haired guy. Chuuya.

They walked cheerfully, arms linked, laughing and chatting. They looked very happy. My stomach churned; this was the ultimate betrayal. My so-called "friend." Just because he didn't talk to me anymore didn't give him the right to betray me like this!

"Who's that guy with him, do you know?" Sigma asked, with some interest in his tone.

I had a Deja Vu. I remembered the time Chuuya asked me if I knew Dazai. It was from that moment that I lost him, and that damn Dazai Osamu took him from me. I didn't want to lose Sigma. I didn't want them to take him away from me.

"I have no idea," I replied.