Crush (Siglai/Fyogol) (Hiatus)

I'm a mess

If I didn't have quick reflexes, I might have died.

I managed to grab Dazai's hand before he could stab me with the scissors, but he still made a nasty cut on my eye. I screamed, took the scissors from his hand, and threw them away. My eye stung, and now I saw half the world in red from the blood. If I didn't go blind, it would be a miracle.

Dazai stumbled back, stuttering. Surely, he realized only psychopaths carry scissors in their pockets.

"Damn it, Nikolai, I-I didn't mean to..."

I lunged at him again, attempting to strangle him.

Is this what fury does to humans? How different are we from animals, then? I could have killed him, and he could have killed me. We weren't thinking or reasoning, just succumbing to instinct. What kind of people did that make us?

"Enough!" Fyodor shouted. "Stop it!"

He rushed towards us to intervene. Dazai had a grip on my hair with one hand and tried to scratch my face with the other. I had both hands around his neck. When Fyodor tried to separate us, we both freed a hand to push him away.

"Don't interfere!" we yelled, continuing our brawl.

I heard something break, but I ignored it. Only when Sigma and Chuuya shouted at us to stop did we realize we messed up.

We looked at Fyodor, lying on the floor. We had thrown him with such force that he collided with the mirror (that was the breaking sound) and fell to the ground. He wasn't moving.

I pushed Dazai aside and hurried to check on Fyodor. When Dazai regained balance after shoving him, he also approached.

"Fyodor," I called. "Damn it, Fyodor! Wake up!"

Gently, I moved a strand of hair falling on his face. He looked concerned. Dazai approached him and caressed his cheek. For some reason, that made me furious, and I pushed him away.

I checked his throat. He was still breathing, and his pulse was stable. I sighed.

Dazai wasn't as calm.

"He's bleeding," he whispered in terror. I swallowed.

I took off my school uniform vest and carefully lifted his head to place the vest underneath. Hopefully, it wouldn't be anything too serious.

A hand rested on my shoulder. It was Sigma.

"Chuuya-kun and I will find the nurse," he said in a low voice.

Chuuya looked at the onlookers of the fight between Dazai and me.

"Do you people not have anything better to do?! Get out of here!" he shouted. People gradually moved away, and my two crushes went to find a responsible adult.

I wanted to cry. Seeing Fyodor there, on the ground, injured by my own fault, made me feel terrible. I had abandoned him. I prioritized someone who I wasn't even sure loved me the same way I loved him, when Fyodor had always been there for me, and we had known each other for much longer. It was normal for him to feel displaced and want to distance himself. If he prioritized someone else he recently met, I would probably feel jealous and distance myself too, just out of resentment.

I didn't want to harbor resentment toward Fyodor. He was my best friend. He was more than that; he was...

He was much more special than anyone else was to me.

I also caressed his cheek, as Dazai had done before. Fyodor had soft and very pale skin. Now that I looked at him closely, he had a very pretty nose and well-defined features. I wondered if, perhaps, there could have been something between him and me if I hadn't focused on looking for someone else. Maybe it wasn't about searching outside but inside.

Teacher Agatha arrived and scolded us, but I didn't hear. I was lost in my thoughts. They took us to the infirmary and put a bandage on my eye, just like Dazai, as I had also hurt him. Then we went to Principal Mori's office, who reprimanded us. They called our parents. Dazai's didn't come.

Mom and Dad were very disappointed in me. I couldn't look them in the eyes; the guilt was too overwhelming.

We were suspended for two weeks.

"Young Tsushima, when will your parents arrive?" Agatha asked when we were finishing up.

"If they come, I'll be very surprised..." he muttered. He looked terrifying, with one eye bandaged and the other lifeless, as if there was no life left.

"Well, you and young Gogol must step outside for a moment. Mr. and Mrs. Gogol, I want to talk to you for a moment..."

Dazai and I left the office. When I tried to talk to him, he pushed me.

"Don't you dare talk to me, or touch me. Don't even look at me," he warned with his head down. "You're an idiot."

Then he went to sit in a chair.

I couldn't contradict his words. I really am an idiot and a mess.

I have to sort out my priorities.

I saw Sigma coming down the hallway. I couldn't help but shed a few tears when he didn't say anything but just hugged me.

"Are you okay?" he whispered. I shook my head. "It's okay, right? Things will work out."

It was hard to believe him. I had really messed up.

"I just saw Fyodor," Sigma continued. "He's okay. Just seems to be sad."

"I'm sad right now," I muttered. "My parents are mad at me. Angry and disappointed."

"At least they care. I wish I mattered enough to my father for him to get mad at me or be disappointed in me."

I guess that was a valid point. We parted ways.

"I got suspended for two weeks," I told him.

"Oh... Well, it's okay. I'll help you catch up."

Sigma was truly a great person. But despite that, I didn't feel particularly comforted by his hug and encouraging words. It all reminded me that I had traded my two best friends for him. Not that it was wrong or anything, but it felt really awful.

My parents came out of the principal's office and looked at me with furrowed brows. Sigma squeezed my hand.

"Everything will be fine," he promised and kissed me on the cheek.

It didn't make me feel better.