Lost Without You/A Jordan Knight FanFic✔️

19

THEN

"Why?" Lucy teared up when we told her that we were getting a divorce.

"Because we need space to heal after losing Austin," I say, squeezing her hand as she deflates, sitting on the edge of her bed between me and Alice.

"You don't love each other."

"No, that's not true. We just don't know how to love each other the way we used to love each other. So we're going to take some time to figure it out," Alice says as if we're taking a break and might get back together.

"But we're not going to be a family."

"We will always be a family, Luce. Nothing can ever change that. But not all families look the same. You know that. Katy's parents are not together, but she sees them. They are a family. They just don't live together."

I wasn't sure she believed me or truly understood, but it was the best we had to give her.

"It's my fault—"

"It's my fault, Luce. We've talked about this. I made a mistake. You did nothing wrong."

"B-but ... it was an accident."

"Sweetie..." Alice wrapped an arm around her "...it was an accident. But sometimes it's hard to forget about big accidents. But I know you will help both me and your dad feel better over time. You are the most important person in our lives, and we will never let you feel anything but completely loved. Okay?"

Lucy nodded slowly. "But someday, you'll get married again. Right?"

Our daughter was on the precipice of learning everything in the world we'd tried so hard to protect her from—the heartbreak of love and loss. How things like death and divorce were final. And the aching part of one's heart that was the tiny exception to unconditional love.

Kids would talk at school. She'd read more books with more realism in them. She'd watch more grown-up shows on television. We couldn't protect her forever, but we did our best to make things hurt a little less by giving them as much of a positive spin as possible.

Mommy and I won't live together, but that means you'll get twice as many birthday and Christmas presents. It was admittedly pathetic, but it was all we had.

"Lucy, we can't predict the future, so we're just going to take it a day at a time. And for now, Dad will live somewhere else, but you'll get to see him a lot."

That was the biggest lie. I already knew I wasn't getting to see her a lot. Truth? When we told Lucy, we had already signed papers. We had already gone before a judge to settle the custody arrangement. I had already been given one measly day a week with my daughter. After we decided to get divorced, something in Alice changed. Her grief turned into pure anger. Anger at me. I thought my willingness to leave was the answer. I thought it would give her the space she needed.

I was wrong.

It sparked a new kind of rage and resentment. And I didn't understand it. I was so blind.

"So you're leaving today?" Lucy asked.

I nod. "I'm not leaving like going away. I'm just going to sleep at a different house. And this weekend you can come see it."

"Stay the night?"

"Maybe on special occasions." Alice kissed Lucy's head. "You'll spend Saturday with your dad. The whole day. Then you'll come home to sleep. Dad's new home is pretty close, so it's silly to not just come back to your own bed to sleep. All your stuff is here."