Lost Without You/A Jordan Knight FanFic✔️

26

Now

On the way home, I stop by the field, my field, and I allow myself a good ten minutes to yell at the wind, the clouds, the cruel god who took my son. I allow myself ten minutes to cry and grieve one last time. Grieve Austin. Grieve Alice. And also ... open my heart to the relief that Lucy no longer has this secret to keep.

When I arrive home, Lucy's in the kitchen eating pizza at the dining room table.

"You ordered pizza?"

She nods, wiping her mouth.

Figured you might be too emotionally exhausted to make dinner."

I wash my hands.

"And you? How are you, emotionally?"

"Well, today I made my mom cry ... a lot. And from the look of your eyes, I'd say I made you cry too. That kinda sucks." She shrugs. "But I've shed a lot of tears today too, so I guess we're all having ... a day."

"But do you feel better?"

I grab a root beer and sit on the opposite side of the table.

"Better is a tricky word to define right now. I honestly don't know how I feel. I thought I'd feel relieved, but watching Mom cry ... it was hard to feel anything but pain and guilt. I second-guessed my decision so many times, but it was too late. I couldn't un-tell her. All I could do was hug her as she collapsed into my arms, wearing her wedding gown."

I grunt something like a laugh and shake my head.

"Good timing, Luce."

"I know." She frowns, slowly chewing a bite of pizza. "But I just didn't want her to marry Luke and move to Chicago without knowing how she got to this point in her life ... really knowing. And maybe she still marries him and moves to Chicago. I didn't tell her because I don't like Luke or I don't want her to marry him. I told her because it was eating away at me, and the only time that would have felt more unfair to tell her would have been after she married him."

"It was the perfect time. Really. I was just kidding you. I told myself a while back that if or whenever you decided to tell her, it would be the right time for you, and that's all that mattered. I know it, and in time, your mom will know it too."

"What did she say to you? I know she must have called you."

"She met me at work. She was sitting on the tailgate to my truck."

"Was she mad?"

"Hurt." I take a bite of pizza and mumble, "And a little mad. But I know her anger was because of the pain."

"So I made things worse between you two?"

I shake my head and take a drink of root beer.

"We're divorced. She's marrying Luke. You're almost eighteen. What can she do at this point?"

"But what did you say?"

"The truth. I told her it wasn't your fault, even if it was technically on your watch. It was our fault for not having a protective cover over the pool, or cameras, or some sort of alarm. We naively thought we'd always keep a close eye on him. We naively thought the fence would be enough, in spite of watching him climb everything. And honestly, we blinked. There were times that he headed toward the door to go outside while I was working in the garage and I had to chase him, pulling him off the fence as he reached the top in a matter of seconds. There were times when I saw your mom chasing him because he snuck out while she was making dinner."