tw; suicide, self harm
22:03
I think im depressed. Genuinely. Like im about to give up depressed. Like 'if i kill myself tonight, i dont think anyone would care after two days' depressed. And part of me is trying convince myself thats not the case, but i cant help but just cave into the feeling of worthlessness. This is the first time ive felt this way for forever. And im not sure if im just doing this because everyone else is thinking it or if i genuinely think i should die. Nevertheless, its eating at my brain and i dont know how to tell anyone that Heyyy, i need someone to talk to and distract myself from my own thoughts! because what if im disturbing their peace?? What if i trigger their own thoughts?? What if i just become another burden to them??
Even when writing this, i think, do my friends even really think of me as their friend? If they do, do they genuinely care how i feel?? Ive had so many friends before who i cared for more than i cared about anything else in the world, and yet they still left even when i needed them too. And i cant help but think maybe everyone feels that way about me. Im just. Someone they can talk to when convenient or something.
I feel no self worth anymore. I dont think its,, healthy for me to live with a perception of myself that goes along the lines of 'this isnt my body' and 'you never deserve anything good that comes your way'. And i know i feel this way, im aware im telling myself these thoughts and im aware its not going to do me any good. But i cant help but let it get to me. Theres so many instances where Ive considered cutting just to ground myself.
And dont get me started on derealizing!? I feel so lost with all this. I don't know what to do to keep my friends, or what to do to know who to keep, i dont think i can balance anything out?? Im questioning everything and im tired all the time but i dont want to take breaks. I dont want to stop what im doing, and yet, i feel like it must be so nice to just. Stop.
