The freedom of captivity

How's home?

Edmund Eames

I'm patiently waiting here on my bed, biting my lip till it bleeds. The suffocating loneliness hugging me in it's comforting chokehold. The only light I can see is the faint light from the streetlamps. Vanessa opens the door, she's my favourite orderly perhaps partly because she lets me do this. I smile and open the little box sitting on my lap with it's precious silver key. I grab a note of fifty pounds. She hands me the candle. "You need to be back in five minutes, we don't have much time tonight." I nod. "understood ma'am." She smiles and takes the note.

I quickly walk through the halls of the asylum, I must say it does look unnerving without light. It feels like a ruin that has been abandoned just a moment before a war. Waiting for the flames of war to come in and ruin it's foundation and history. It looks like something haunted by doubts and fears. My bare feet feel uneasy on the cold floors, cold like a soldier rotting away at the battle of Stalingrad. There's absolutely no warmth in this building when it's dark, it's as if all human energy gets sucked out if the moment the sun disappears, leaving and empty carcass of frost. I walk up to the phone and start dialling a number. I bite my lip, please be there, please do not have forgotten it. I bite on my nails, so scared of being forgotten by the last fragment of the world that still remembers me. and than somebody picks up the phone. I sigh in utter relief.

"Never do that again Cecil, just pick up!" I say with tears in my voice. "You worry far too much Eddie." I shake my head. "I have my reasons Cecil." I feel the tears of desperation and distance in my voice. I want to see him, how much must he have grown? What if the next time I see him is my funeral? or his funeral? "How are mama and papa?" I ask, he scoffs. "You want to know about them? I would think you would not miss them" I smile and chuckle. "I don't miss them" except for when I do, I don't miss them I miss the normality but I don't say that. I take a breath ans say instead. "You still live with them, I care about you brother." I can imagine him sitting alone in the telephone booth near our manor looking at the sky. "What are the stars like back there in the countryside?" I ask. "Much more beautiful than the ones there I think." He says. I miss the infinate stars, sometimes when I see there are many stars I pay venessa to leave my door open and I spend the night on the roof of the building. "How are you Cecil?" I say quietly. "I'm good, how's the asylum treating you?" I sigh. "Honestly I don't know, but it does feel good to be free from papa's grip of power. But the power here lies in somebody else's hands. I think this might be the right thing for me" "Edmund?" "Yes." "Why are you in there?" I bite my lips, tasting the salty copper of pain and the salty tears of disgrace. "Don't worry about it Cecil, I did something incredibly stupid." "But you're always stupid" He says laughing. I feel the tears in my eyes, my little brother is there, completely unsheltered, it's as if when I found out how to swim I did not choose to help him but I chose to swim away. Afraid to be sucked into it even further. "Cecil?" "Mh?" "How is Andrew?" "I am not allowed to talk to him, papa and mama won't stand for it and his parents seem to be very reluctant too." "How do you think he is doing?" "Better than you Fitzwiddle." I laugh, my little brother always uses made up curse words, I truly don't know why but I miss everything about him. His imagination is something I wish I could conquer, perhaps I would be more free in my mind if I would be able to do so. "I need to go, same time the day ater tomorow." I says. "I know Edmund don't worry."

The sun shines through the windows filling the asylum with human spirit again. I arrive at the dining room, everyone is sitting there. Apperently waiting for me, I must say I am a bit tardy but that's human right? I sit down at the head of the table. At the other end there's solomon. At my left hand are alethea and Douglas if I am correct, and at my right hand are gwendoline and reginald. "So, honoured members of this club of Kooks. Let's start our acquitance with this glorious, nutrious and not at all suspicious meal!" I say. Some cheer others only laugh. I feel a smile on my face. The observant boy, Douglas meets my eyes and nods. I nod back. "So how shall we start this unlikely friendship? A bloodbond?" I say jokingly. "Why not?" Wendy says with a bright smile. "I have a good idea." Reginald says. "We all get to ask one question to anybody in this room, it's allowed to be as random as possible!" "What a great idea Reggie!" I say. "But first may I know your ages?" "If you go first!" Thea says. "I will gladly oblige, I am freshly eightteen years old." "Me too" Douglas says. "I am twenty-one" Solomon says. "As am I" Wendy exclaims. "But I am almost twenty two" Solomon says. "I am nineteen." Reginald says. "I am twenty" Thea says while lighting Solomons cigrette with a match an orderly gave her. I nod.

"Who wants to start with the questions?" I ask. Reginald's hand is immediately in the air. "Okay I have a question to alethea. How do you read so damn fast?" We start to laugh. "Are you serious?" She asks while still laughing. He nods his head. "I don't know I'll try to find out for you Reggie." we all ask eachother strange questions, the last one to ask a question is solomon. "Is it allowed to have two?" He asks. We all shake our head. "Well then, Edmund, why do you wear seem so fond black and other dark colours? What is the beauty of such colours?" "Says the one strictly wearing different shades of beiges." I say jokingly and I light my cigarette. "Look at the darkness of the world, look at the last decades where has the light been? Does that mean that we need to associate the darkness with tragedy? Perhaps but darkness is something so complex, look at a night, sometimes the night seems so frightening but other times it embraces us, hides our deepest fear let's us hide in it's comforting shadow, isn't that beautiful, darkness is so much more than light. It's complexity." I see them looking at me. "I'm sorry." "Don't be" Solomon says. "You're absolutely right." Douglas says. "I mean, doesn't that speak to all of us? Aren't we crazies trapped in the darkness how do you realise that everything can be sculpted to your wish." Alethea goes on. "In darkness we can find the light!" Reginald exclaims. I feel tears in my eyes. I see wendy's eyes watering. I jump onto the table. "Than we shall brothers and sisters accompanying eachother in the darkness!" I extend a hand to Solomon who takes it and steps unto the table, I repeat it with everyone till we're all standing on the table. Surprised we didn't fall through yet. I smile, so funny and ironic, So much happiness in a place of utter misery.