The freedom of captivity

Reality

Douglas Thorpe

The doctor is still busy with writing something down as I enter the office. "You can already sit down, I just need to finish this up Douglas." I sit down. It's not long before he also sits down "So Douglas, How are you? Any delusions." He asks while clicking his pen and I smile,

"How would I know that doctor, I can hardly see the difference, You know doctor, I've always considered myself lucky. I have always been considered smart, kind and caring. I've grown up in a household where there was not much to fear. Even in war I did not come across many hardships except a few ones. Which are of course etched into my mind. But this war inside me is driving me insane, I do not know what to believe anymore doctor and even when I want try to tell myself I should not believe the things I consider fake. I have this nagging feeling that everything I consider real could also be fake. So it's choosing between to evils. I am floating in between to keep myself sane. To tell myself I still have a choice. I still have the possibilities I once believed in. It's these two things, accepting he is dead or accepting all the things I see." He nods and writes something down. I feel numb as I look at him. "So you see your....." "Brother." I respond despondently.

The doctor smiles. "This is good Douglas. You are accepting that you have delusions even if it is hard." I laugh, out loud not it my head. "So doctor you want to tell me this utter madness is healthier than denying it" I feel the disdain in my chest for this man who thinks he can understand somebody's mind, somebody's life, somebody's history. I shake my head. "If utter madness is health I am not sure if I want it." The doctor doesn't respond. "So what does your brother say to you?" I smile, and I look at the boy standing in the corner of the room with it's horrible burning flesh morphing into the other beautiful half of the face I knew so well. I smile. "Not much, he's pretty quiet he's just there. Not much else." I know I shouldn't lie but the doctor does it too. So why shouldn't I. My brother tuts in a negative tone and his creaking voice is near my ear as I try to ignore it. "Little liar, bloody bastard, lying little traitor. You should burn" He whispers. I feel tears in my eyes, everytime I am with the doctor my 'delusions' seem to grow stronger and I have more problems with ignoring them. I feel tears streaming down my face.

I hear a snap, Doctor has snapped his fingers near my ear as if I am dog. I want to spit in his face, I am no dog, I am no child. I am an adult. He should not be treating like this. I stand up. "What happened Douglas?" The doctor said. "Our session is officially over." I say as I point to the clock. "It's only over when I say so." The doctor said before opening the door. "We will discuss this in more detail next time." the doctor says as his face seems to start burning. I walk out of the room and gradually start running from the fire that is engulfing the whole building. I dare not to stop.

I don't even know where I am when I bump into a tall person, I look up. "Be careful" Solomon says and I hug him I bury my tears in his chest. "Wow, don't cry honey." he says while hushing and rocking me back and forth. Like a big brother. He kneels and I follow. He looks me in the eyes, he needs to hunch a bit because I have my eyes focused on the ground but that makes it all the more adorable what he is doing. I feel the last hopeless tears rolling down my cheeks. "What happened Douglas?" I shake my head not willing to answer. "Edmund! Get a glass of water!" He screams. He checks my temperature, something my brother always used to do whenever I was panicking too.

Edmund returns with the glass of water. "Can eddie be here or does he need to skeddadle?" I chuckle. "I don't mind." I say before chugging the whole glass of water. Both of them seem perplexed. "What?" "Nothing!" They say at the same time. I chuckle, "Do you feel a bit better." I shake my head. "Physically yes. Thank you" I look back, nothing is burning anymore and their faces seem normal so at least that's good. That's good, I take a deep breath. "You'll be fine." Sol says with a kind smile. I want to wipe that stupid smile of his face why would I be fine? I don't feel fine. I'll never be normal, I will always be a pariah, we all will be. Can't he understand that? All of this is not fine, we are locked here for a reason. We are crazy, insane,  how else can I say it? Do I need to spekk out for him that none of us will ever be fine? We will always be struggling with out minds, we are cursed like that, and we cannot do anything about it. He knows that, he should know that. There is no hope for us. I try my best not to cry again.

'It'll be fine' he says and hugs me. Maybe he's right and I am thinking too much. Perhaps we'll be able to be alright, perhaps we will be able to be happy. Perhaps we will be able to live. perhaps we'll be able to be fine. What a dream that would be.