The freedom of captivity

I need to find him

Reginald Chester-stewart

"Bist du verrückt. Das kannst du nicht machen! Das ist viel zu gefährlich." Johann said as I ripped the red nazi flag from the front of the building. "Nein, Die Leute, die diese Flagge aufgehängt haben sind total verrückt." I responded as if it's nothing and we ran into the night. My mind flips through all of the hazy memories, Karl holding me back while I heard the shots, running across the fields making sure the bomb on the traintracks goes off, Günther in that horrible uniform before he moved to Berlin, that was the last time I saw him, was it? I don't know anymore. Learning to build extra hidden rooms in houses, and Matthias, screaming at me telling me it was all my fault. and it was, I cannot deny it, I think I will. But I tried my best, I had given so much and now I was alienated by the only one who shared the same bond, but all of it was severed in just one sentence.  These are the things I feel when I am left alone with my thoughts for a bit too long. I don't want to be alone with them, I need to keep my mind busy at all times. Every day I write down whole stories in notebooks, the thing that keeps the reality from touching me, from scarring me again and again.

Edmund sits down beside me, the sitting room is eerily silent, that is mostly because it's such good weather that they're all sitting outside. I look at Ed he reminds me of Karl. "You write quite a bit Reggie, care to share it?" I shake my head. "I don't think I am ready." Eddie nods, "I understand, tell me when you are ready." We sit there, in silence, but not the wrong kind, it's almost comforting. He looks out of the window. "Why aren't you outside?" I shrug. "I don't know to be honest." He nods, and puts his hands in his pockets. "Are you ever worried there will be another war?" He takes a deep breath. "That is not a question to ask me Reggie, I was isolated in the strange world of the well-to-do coutryside in the war. It didn't have a whole lot of influence on me or my family. I don't know why." I smile, what a delight that must've been, you don't need to worry about anything. Not even war, but still, Edmund doesn't seem to be a person without a deep scratch, something has been trying to break him and even when he's such a master at hiding it, it is still evident. I wonder, if it's not the war what would it be? I want to ask him but before I can he asks me if I'll be coming outside too. I want to put the notebook away when Edmund graceiously grabs it. "May I read a little, I promise I won't tell anybody." I nod, "It's fictional so you are more than welcome." He opens the booklet and walks out of the door. I am forced to follow him.

They're sitting on the grass. "Alright everyone, so be careful not to brush against the tiny little hair of the nettles, if you avoid that they won't sting." I sit down next to them. "What is happening here?" Edmund asks. "Thea is teaching us how to fold a nettle so we can eat it." I frown, is that even possible? "That was my reaction too when I first heard of it." Thea says and she begins to explain. "So now we have a nettle resembling something like a mint on the count of three we put it in out mouth Alright?" Everyone nods rather hesitantly. And put it in their mouth, it taste surprsingly good. The only one who seems to hate it is Solomon. "It tastes like grass!" He exclaims. Thea laughs so much at his expression she's almost crying. "How do you know what grass tastes like?" She asks in between her laughs. "He was a cow in his former life darling." Edmund responds. "That is not true!" Solomon says, almost offended. "I was a sheep." He says with an arrogant expression. "Of course Solomon the sheep!" Douglas exclaims and wendy sketches something very quickly. "Look!" it's a sheep with solomon's face. We can't stop laughing.

Not much later we're playing footie, and both wendy and thea are better than their male opponents. Which to be honest makes a lot of sense, I mean look at douglas, he is a duke of limbs and does not care for it and Solomon would much rather play rugby. The only one who isn't playing is Eddie, I walk up to him. I am severely out of breath. "Are you alright?" He nods and shows me a portrait of somebody. I frown when I suddenly hear myself gasp. "It's the boy you described in the passage I read." He says. I feel tears in my eyes and everything seems to get less real as I look at the face he has drawn. It is Johann, it is him. How could it be? I feel the world getting lighter under my feet as the voices from everyone muffle. "Reggie?" I drop the paper and slowly walk into the building, as soon as I am out of their sight I begin to run.

All of the corridors seem like a maze I have forgotten where the entrence is. I need to get out, I need to get out. Find the door, Reginald, find the door. I need to look for him. I need to find him. I find the door and I throw myself against it. Let me out. "Let me out!" The orderlies react with utter surprise as they try to get me to relax.  I need to find him" I cry. One of the orderlies grabs my head. "He's dead Reginald, you know that"