The freedom of captivity

I simply tried to help

Reginald chester-Stewart

I look at the beads of my rosary before putting it down. It's not like I am ever going to use it ever again. I walk out of my room, it's a bit of a somber day, there's a storm coming the grey skies remind me of so much I do not want to be reminded of. The grey skies in which the blood of the one I swore to protect was spilled, the skies when I was sent to what would almost be a death sentence I still ask myself. Why, why did they send me to Austria? I enter the sitting room. Edmund and Douglas are practicing dancing and the others are either talking or reading. Solomon is sitting in front of the piano.

"Do you play?" I ask, he smiles melancholicaly. "I used to, was a proper prodigy, could play things that were desribed as resembling the light of the stars." "That is incredible! Could you play something." I ask. He chuckles and shakes his head. "I don't have scores" He says, clearly trying to make excuses. "Come on Sol, what's the worst that can happen? Play something simple, like the beginning of für Elise. Play it light the light in the stars" Solomon shakes his head. "No, this piano hasn't been tuned for a long time and also I have left him behind me, I am not a prodigy anymore." I frown, tilting my head ever so slightly. "Are you alright?" I see the tears in his eyes. "I'm perfectly fine, thank you for your concern but it is not necessary" He says with a smile. I nod. 'Sol play a game of chess with me!" Edmund yells. 

I walk up to Gwendoline. "But it's true! Why do we even need something like that weird Brussel convention! We are perfectly fine being Britain as is!" she says a bit agitated, thea shakes her head. "Times are changing Wendy" Douglas says. "Just like we as a country and humans" Thea adds. "I don't agree! Britain is different than all the countries who have been destroyed in the war" Wendy says "Have you forgotten the Blitz dear? Or are you just freaking fascist?" I say, partly as a joke partly to know how she'll react. "I'm a nationalist and I am proud of it!" Wendy answers, pretty heated I must say. "Because Britain is such a great country!" I answer also feeling the heat, I roll my eyes, "Especially for the rich" I add. "Ohhh I understand you're a dirty little communist who thinks he has the right to judge people even though he himself is rich." She says while standing up. "Well newsflash little boy, it'll never work! Communism is bloody ridiculous!" she screams at me. "I am a socialist and you are just daddy's precious girl afraid that your expensive jewelrry will be taken." I say while spitting on the ground. "Hey." I hear Edmund voice. It's more serious than ever before. "Keep it civil crew." He is barely looking up from the chessboard. I walk towards him. "Do I look like a communist to you?" He shrugs, "You look like every other human, aren't communist exactely the same?" I chuckle, perhaps he is right and I look like the average communist. "Checkmate" He whisper. "Wait how?" Solomon says.

An ordely calls my name. I follow them to the office. I sit down in front of Doctor Taylor. "How are you feeling at this time mister Chester-Stewart." He asks while looking intensely at me like I have done something wrong. "To be honest doctor I have been feeling rather normal, no peaks or valleys in sight." He nods. "What would you say if I would be sending you home?" I shrug. "Well, the last time I had an episode I did not see it coming so I don't think that would be the wisest but I'm no doctor sir." He nods. "Have you talked to your family at all. They said that when you returned from Austria you did not say a word to them. Is that true?" I nod. "I did not." "May I ask why." I take a deep breath. "because I blame them for the blood on my hands, the memories in my head and the pain in my chest." It feels like my life is being squeezed out of me. As if my family still has all the power I was convinced I took back.

"Reginald, last time we talked you said you did not return from Austria what did you mean by that." I smile and look up and the ceiling, avoiding eye contact and trying to understand myself with the words we have once leerned to use when we were children. It is harder than you think. I look back at the doctor. "They sent away reginald.... I came back as reggie, I was no longer a boy, I had done things perhaps I should regret but I won't. Why? I have helped people, all I ever did was in an effort to help people. And yes, I have done things wrong, I could be blamed for some things and if there's something like heaven and hell I will be going to the one down under but tell me doctor. What did you do during the war?" He does not respond. "So you did nothing? Does that not mean you also have blood on your hands, when does being in the right begin and being in the wrong stop. Is it fair to kill a murderer? Is it fair to kill a murderer who is following orders? Perhaps, perhaps not." He looks at me, visibly stunned at my nerve to say the things I believe in. "I was young, I was utterly young, but I did know where I belonged. On the side of England, on the side of my contry, not the side of my Aunt. Do you know how afraid my mother is I will tell anything about her old connections to anyone? She is terrified but I wouldn't blame her, her family is not the most precious one. I am aware of my shortcomings and my lunacy but it's far easier to say I am out of my mind when you would use my diagnosis. So really, what does she have to fear anymore? Not much."

"Do you think you should be here Reginald?" "Yes, I wholeheartedly believe that right now in the state I fall into some of the time I would not function normally in a society." He nods and writes something down. "Doctor Taylor?" I ask. "What is it?" I look up at him. "Why do I feel worse after every session with you?"