Family + Camp (working title)

Chapter 3: Loser part 2

Nell ran up the outside stairs to the second-floor apartment and knocked on the door. No one answered, and the doorbell was broken, so she twisted the knob and pushed. Hardly anyone locked their doors in Fields Creek.

The living room was dark. So was the entire apartment. Nell wondered briefly if Len's mom was home. His bedroom was the first door off the short hallway at the back, and she could see a sliver of light underneath.

Len was there, sitting on his twin bed, orange Walkman headphones on as he rocked out and drew in a notebook. He started when she swung open the door.

"Shit, Nell! Knock why don't you!" He yanked off the headphones.

"I did! You didn't answer." She paused, flushing. What if he'd been masturbating? That would have been so gross.

Len seemed to have the same idea, because his cheeks were as red as hers felt.

"I had to get out of there," she said, by way of apology. She closed the door, sat on the bed next to him. He was still half-reclined. "I know you said you'd help me tomorrow, but I just..." She wasn't sure what she just was.

Before she knew it, she had turned to Len and tried to kiss him on the mouth. Their lips made contact for a split second.

Len pulled away immediately. "Whoa!"

Nell felt her stomach drop. She was going to throw up. What was she thinking? Len was her best friend. She wasn't even attracted to him!

"Oh, god." She bounced up and paced his small room, fingers raking through her black hair. "I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry. I gotta go."

Len's lumpy mattress seemed to have become a quicksand pit that he couldn't escape but was mightily trying to.

"No, wait! Nell, it's okay, it's okay."

"No, it's not. I'm as asshole. I'm just really messed up. Sorry," she said again, and headed for the door.

"Wait." With a great effort he heaved forward and grabbed her wrist. She yanked back and he let her go but followed her into the short hallway out his front door. She had thundered down the stairs and was about to open the driver's side door of the Rabbit. Len opened the passenger side door and hauled himself into the seat, panting.

"What the fuck, Len?"

He looked up at her through the dirty windshield.

"I'm trying to escape this mortifying situation. Get out of my car."

"Nope. No way."

"Go! Let me go."

He shook his head.

"Len!"

"We're going to talk about it."

"No."

"It's something that's been there between us."

"Yuck. Please stop talking!"

She knew he was right, but she didn't want to have feelings that were more than friend feelings for Len. He was Len. He was like a brother/cousin. There could be nothing there. Even though she was the one who had just tried to kiss him. That had been a temporary moment of coming unhinged. Feelings: they didn't necessarily make sense with what a person actually did.

She appreciated that, in that very instant, he didn't point this out and further her humiliation. Sure, she had sometimes thought about what it would be like to be attracted to Len. And that was the thing: what is would be like, because she wasn't actually attracted to him, and the thought of it gave her the ick, but also made her feel something like shame for being shallow because she loved Len, of course she loved him, even though that word love even seemed wrong to describe their relationship. And now he was saying that there was something between them, that it was there, had been there all along. He was putting into words the thought she herself had pushed away, had not allowed herself to form into a full word bubble, like in a comic strip, coming out of the top of her hair. I love Len. I want to kiss him. It was a truth that revolted her on several levels—for feeling it, for reducing him in her mind, and for not being brave enough to find a way to find him alluring.

Nell hung her head. And she began to cry. It was quiet, no sobbing, but there were tears. She had to let them do their thing in order to get rid of them.

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Hi Wattpad fam: I misunderstood the terms of the Creator program and thought I could update previously published parts with 500 words each week. Wrong-a-roo. So I'm posted part 2 of the chapter I've titled Loser here. And will post another part next week. Above is a picture I found on circesoftware.net (thank you!) that reminds me of Len's Walkman and orange headphones. I think I had a coveted set myself once.