Anti-Hero

Slowly Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

Before I start this section, I just want to mention that I publish/write very similar versions of my stories on both Wattpad and AO3, so I apologize if I ever am addressing you as the reader/audience in the story, but I say something that is not applicable to you or confuses you. Also, I am BoweryWilliam / bowerywilliam on both accounts if you are curious at all.

Okay, so I ended the last section mentioning my Midnights listening experience and how it was mediocre at first. Around this time is when Taylor Swift also announced the eras tour. Although I was still listening to her discography and enjoyed it, I still didn't think of myself as a "swiftie." To be honest, I still don't know if I fully think of myself that way. I am really sorry if I offend anyone, but I am not actually that passionate about Taylor Swift herself. I am passionate about queer readings of her music and analyzing her, her music, and her brand in relation to queerness, but I do not feel the need to defend everything she does to people who may criticize her. Now, I do get pissed when people's criticisms of her or her fan base are sexist, but that is really the only time I feel like the criticism is worth arguing.

Also, I would love to be more articulate about defending her songwriting skills when people talk to me about it in person, but I usually feel like sometimes I need to bring up gaylor theory to do that. And, the people who usually diminish her songwriting also often give me queerphobic vibes, so I'm just trying to stay safe out here. A woman with billions of dollars does not need me fighting with middle aged men for her. Also, like she says, she's the problem, and I can understand the Taylor Swift hate when all you know about her is the narrative I was constantly bombarded with as a child about her being this "serial" dater only writing songs about her very public heterosexual relationships with men. I now subscribe to the theory that this has also been really intentional for her and her team's marketing. Like, in a sexist society that loves to diminish women to their relationships with men, this kind of image is keeping people talking.

Anyways, so I wasn't very passionate about getting a ticket for the eras tour (especially with the craziness of that whole situation with Ticketmaster and everything...like I was finishing up my last semester of college and focusing on other aspects of my life...and I still somehow hadn't deep dived into Taylor's music after listening to it my whole life). However, after accepting that I was probably not going to go to the eras tour, my best friend called me one day saying that she got both of us tickets after she got put on some special list or something from Ticketmaster. I was super excited because I really didn't think getting to the concert was a possibility at all, and I was also super excited about going with my best friend. The eras tour is the only concert my friend has been to by the way, and I know she will be extremely disappointed if she goes to anyone else's concert. Like...I will praise Taylor Swift for the many talents she possesses. She is an incredible songwriter and performer, and I would even say she is probably one of the most intelligent artists when it comes to marketing her art too.

Anyways, the surprise experience of getting eras tickets forced me to listen to the entirety of Taylor Swift's discography, because I wanted to make sure I knew every song on the set list and was prepared to sing the surprise songs before the concert. Also, I probably did already know over half of the songs in her discography at this point, because I had already spent years of my life (since I was like seven years old) listening to them—casually for the most part. It was during this time that I also watched Miss Americana for the first time. I am honestly so embarrassed to admit this, but I still thought of Taylor Swift as definitely NOT being part of the queer community before I went to the eras concert—even after watching Miss Americana and listening to the entirety of her discography. Like, her cis heterosexual miss americana white picket fence public narrative and the public perception of that goes hard. Now I'm like, obviously a lot of her discography is super gay, but I think I was so conditioned to adhere to one perception of Taylor Swift that I didn't see the blatant (literally in your fucking face) queer flagging at the time—even as a queer person myself. If I would have been more involved during the Lover era and not so much of a hater at that time, I am sure I could have thought more critically about her art. However, I am glad my experience with gaylorism happened the way it did, because I probably would have felt insane if I was seeing this in 2019 and no one else  around me was also seeing the flagging. I also do not think I would have dove so deep into the theory as I ended up doing this year. I have so many theories and thoughts about literally EVERYTHING at this point, and I just need an anonymous outlet to share those thoughts. Like I can't stop listening to Taylor's music through a gaylor lens now. I am so grateful to all of you insanely intelligent queer (and probably autistic/neurodivergent, slay) people who have been picking up on this forever and are so good at pattern recognition and have given me the basis for even writing my own experience with this and thoughts on the theory.