Unspoken Goodbyes

Irony

It's ironic that after that last thought you reached out. As if you heard my call.
I fear if I delve back in to thinking of you I'll be devoured all over again. By the idea of who you were to me. The man I had yearned for.

I think in times like this rather than looking to the heart for answers one must turn to facts. For the facts were simple. You and me would never have worked. Not healthily at least.

Thinking of it does still break my resolve. Makes me want to crawl back into a hole of self pity. Why wasn't I enough?
The answer is perhaps too long. For many reasons.

Once, I wished that you would use this time to solidify your resolve. To determine that I was exactly who you wanted to spend forever with.

I am upset it had to be my resolve to turn you away. To end this endless game we played. A promise of forever I must shield. An anger I hold because I fear the whole time it was only me holding us together. I was simply acknowledging what you had told me all along.

Why could you not have simply walked away rather than continuously relighting my hope in you?

You feigned ignorance. I know you to be calculated in actions. Too much to make the simple mistake of forgetfulness. I can't decide what it was you were trying to play at this time.

Genuinely it just hurts. The same way it's always hurt. The lack of steadiness when I feel the world pulls up around me.

Now at least I have him. A man I trust. A man to ground me. A man I wish you were.

Not to replace you because there's no point to that. But at least if you acquired accountability, at least some willingness to change for me.

Perhaps change is too much to ask. But I refuse to believe you won't change for someone else. Or perhaps yourself.

I must change too. To see some more worth in myself. Otherwise I'll drag someone else down too.