Unspoken Goodbyes

Juxtaposition

Another hard conversation today.

I finally brought forth the question that I had held on my tongue for so long. I desired transparency. What if anything was there to gain from a friendship with me?
My fear was that the answer would be one of pity or simply that I provided the service of listening every so often.
But his reply was that the only gain was knowing I am okay.
....

Those were juxtaposing times.
Simple and Complicated
Good and Bad
Comforting and Painful
Truthful and Deceptive

I called him my best friend. But did I do my duty to fulfill that role to the capacity of my capabilities? If I am honest with myself, I did not.

He summed it up nicely.. trying to mend someone else when you yourself are not whole can only work for so long before you fall apart.

We were two lonely people who made each other less lonely for a minute. We pushed ourselves to be there for eachother and know eachother in a way that was new to us. Mistakes were made. Fights were had. But we were sowing the seeds of our garden.

We walked a stretch of life together. Roughly a year of friendship and adventure. I cut the ribbon due to the details. Due to the feeling that our characters were not in alignment. Independently, without anyone else's influence, I decided we weren't meant to be.

It was not easy to walk away. I don't think they understood because I withheld the important conversations that needed to be had that could have provided me with more security. I had thought there might not be a good time to disclose a matter so I did it sloppily and pushed him away with a swiftness unexpected for a year long friendship.

I know now it is far better to have guilt than grow resentment towards someone you love. The guilt of walking away when you get that gut feeling that a beautiful thing will not work out how you want it to. For example, a rose is beautiful as long as you let it remain. The second you may attempt to pluck it greedily, its thorns may poke you. Leaving the negative traits to be all that is remembered.

Now we talk on occasion but not with the depths of our souls. That illusion of trust and knowing each other has been somewhat dissipated.

I think enough time has passed that we have the maturity to handle ourselves better. I at least want to take the steps needed to tend to the garden once more. Slowly. Thoughtfully. However limited to a smaller patch this time. One of different nature. Honest friendship.