through it all, there was you ↠ conrad fisher {2} (on pause)

o n e

I graduated. I didn't have a big walking graduation, I just got the diploma in the mail, and that was that. This tiny piece of paper telling me I'm done with school, I never have to take another class again if I don't want too, and I can't even bring myself to be happy about it.

       I suddenly feel so much more alone then I have in months. At least with assignments keeping me busy, I didn't have time to realize that I truly have no one anymore. The emptiness seeps into my bones and I feel absolutely everything — and then nothing all at once. I feel myself masking, covering the pain, shoving it all down until I'm numb. I haven't felt anything since May when Susannah passed away.

         I genuinely don't remember the last time I smiled. It's a weird thought to have as I'm pulling through the dunkin drive through on a random Thursday afternoon at 5:37pm, but it suddenly just hit me. I really can not remember the last time I smiled where it wasn't forced. Was it last month? The month before that? No particular moment pops out and says hey! this is the last time you were happy!

Clearly, the past few months have been hard. A lot harder than I would have expected. Susannah had taken a turn for the worst and finally had passed away in May. The build up to her death was the hardest part. It was knowing she was dying right in front of my eyes, right under my bedroom, in the house she let me stay in, and there was nothing I could do but sit and watch. Therapy went from once a week to three days a week because I was having a hard time coping with it all.

        I am currently living back at home. I couldn't stay in that house any longer without the my one living tie to it. With me and Jeremiah estranged, and Conrad away at school — I had nothing left keeping me there.

        Truly, Susannah had become the mother figure I have always wanted. She had become my best-friend while I was living there. She taught me how to cook. We spent hours spending more time laughing than we did actually cooking. I never did get her green bean casserole down, looks like this thanksgiving we'll be missing it.

        I packed up my stuff when Jeremiah left for school, and Adam left for work one morning leaving a note thanking them for having me but I was going back home.

       I was able to bring everything I wanted, besides my bookshelf that was too heavy for me to move alone. I can always buy a new one, or wait until Laurel and Steven go up and visit to bring it here for me. Jeremiah or Adam never reached out to see if I made it home okay, or tried to get me to reconsider. That's when I knew Susannah was the only one who cared about me.

        My thoughts drift to Jeremiah and my stomach dips. I hate the way things were left. Susannah would be so disappointed knowing how everything is turning out. It just physically hurts being around him because part of me misses him, and the other can't forget that night.

       "Thank you," I say to the women who just handed me my strawberry dragon fruit refresher, and Avocado toast. "Have a good one!" I say giving a tight lipped smile before I pull away. That smile doesn't count since it was forced.

        I put the straw in my drink, stirring it up before I take a long sip. Sighing back into my seat, this reminds me of better times. Me and Susannah would go for car rides a lot. Me, with needing to get out, and Susannah needing the same thing for an obvious other reason we'd do it for hours at a time. Susannah always got hot coffee and have me make her breakfast at home to practice but I'd get this refresher and a maple bacon wake up wrap. When I miss her, I come and get the refresher.

        My parents didn't say anything about me moving back. I'm not even sure my Mom knew I moved out to begin with. As soon as I got back I got a job to start saving to move out on my own. I haven't seen my parents and I've been back for almost three months.

I have been having a hard time adjusting being back, living in a world without Susannah. The depression came back, worse then before. I started shutting down. I am shutting down. Everything takes so much effort. I don't have a Jeremiah to pull me back and Conrad is suffering worse than me, understandably, and we haven't been the same since.

We let it effect us, even though that's the last thing we both wanted. We're both hurting and both don't know how to help each other. I still love him, with absolutely everything in me but the idea of him is becoming better then who I am actually dating. He's pushing me away, and I miss him all over again. I don't know if I can pull him back this time.

        Conrad is in summer school and I wasn't going to spend my entire summer coped up in that house anymore — so I decided this morning I'm going home, I'm heading to Cousins.