through it all, there was you ↠ conrad fisher {2} (on pause)

e i g h t

I wake up on the beach. I'm not sure when I fell asleep or how long I've been out but all I know is the sun has risen and my phone is dead. I also feel like I may have a slight sunburn.

       I started walking on the beach a few streets down yesterday. Clearly not the part of beach by our house but not far enough away that it doesn't still feel like home. I was just trying to clear my head and see things in a straight line.

I walked for so long, zoning out into my thought's when I realized I had no idea what street I left my car on. So I just started walking toward the direction of my house. It was about three hours into my walk that the sun started to go down and my phone was on 10%. I just fell into the sand, realizing that I was exhausted. Physically and mentally. I felt like I had nothing left in me.

But, being close to the ocean like this is so nice. I've missed it so much. I started to  talk to myself out loud like a crazy person. I only did this because because deep down I feel like Susannah was here with me being that close to the ocean. I just want her to be able to hear my internal battle. Rambling like that reminded me of how we'd talk late into the night about anything and everything. I fell asleep telling her about Conrad.

Conrad hasn't been the same since he went away to school. He came back that one weekend in October and it was great and then as soon as he left again he forgot about me again. It's the same circle. It's like he can't focus on what isn't in front of him, and I get that. I do, especially with everything that happened with his mom — Belly also got into an argument with Conrad and Jeremiah at Susannah's funeral. I don't know what it was about. I never asked, and he never told me.

So many things we don't tell each other anymore. He doesn't even know how I've actually been doing. I lie about that too. I'm always great even when it's day five of not getting out of bed. I've completely gone back to not caring, I only graduated because of Susannah. I kept going for her now that schools out I have nothing stopping me from rotting in bed forever.

This isn't healthy anymore. What we have isn't good for either of us. It's most definitely bringing me down, and I'm not even an afterthought with him anymore. He doesn't care like a boyfriend should. So as hard as it is for me to accept it, I think the best plan to move forward is to break up.