through it all, there was you ↠ conrad fisher {2} (on pause)

s i x

      "Wait," I say pulling away from him. "What are you going to do about school?" I ask. "You can't miss an—" he cuts me off by kissing me.

      It's the first kiss we've charged in three months and the randomness of it catches me off guard. I let out a small gasp, which he takes as an opportunity to shove his tongue in my mouth. I push him away.

      I suddenly don't want to be near him. I don't like that we haven't seen each other in months, his doing, and the first thing he does is cut me off when I'm talking. He knew I was having a panic attack not even 20 minutes ago so why would I be in the right mind to be French kissing in the middle of his driveway with anyone passing to see!

       "Please don't do that," I say keeping my hands on his chest. "Conrad, please I can't do this hot and cold anymore." I sniffle. "I am trying to have a conversation with you. A real conversation that goes beyond hi, how was your day? I have been asking too see you for months and you kept saying no you were too busy but I've always respected your space and never made you feel guilty. Now you need to respect my boundaries, from the distance that you caused."

        He stares at me, mouth agape. "Claire I'm sorry I'm — you're right. You're so right," he says taking a step back. "I know, with everything going that happe—" he stop talking and runs a hand through his hair turning around. "No excuses. I have no excuses other than the one we both share. My Moms death of course fucked me up, I forgot about everything and dove into school to drown the sadness and anger I felt about losing her. I keep doing this to you," he says quietly. "I know I keep doing this and all I can say is I'm sorry and I'm going to prove to you that I mean it when I say I'm going to start trying again and I'm sorry I stopped before."

         I'm choked up and angry at myself because I feel like I brought this up at the worst time but it was like word vomit after that kiss. I just felt it bubbling up because it felt wrong to kiss him without these feelings unspoken. I don't feel any better after talking to him. Being close to him like this hurts right now because I know whenever we leave here and aren't together in person again he will go back to shutting me out. It happens every time even before when his mom was doing good.

         I look away, not understanding these new feelings towards him. For the first time in my life I'm not feeling love for him an I hate it. "I think I need space," I say absently.

        His face falls, and he steps forward hesitantly. "Claire please."

         "I just need a few hours to clear my head. I'm not in a good head space. I will call you later, okay?" I say but don't wait for him to respond.

        He watches as I climb into my car, fumble with my keys because I'm trying to hold back the sob that is about to burst in my chest. I don't know where I'm going. I know I'll come back tonight. I just need to think. I need to breathe. I didn't like the feelings I got when I saw him. I wasn't excited. I was instantly anxious, I wanted to miss him but I didn't. I still missed him as he held me.

         I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.