through it all, there was you ↠ conrad fisher {2} (on pause)

t h i r t e e n

Conrad's point of view:
.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

       I regret my reaction as soon as I walk out the backyard. By the time I make it to my car I'm feeling physically sick and I know I should run back to her and hear her out. After everything, I wanted today to be a chance for me to make it up to Claire — not dig myself into this hole further.

"Stupid. So fucking stupid," I mutter tapping my back pocket where my eyes usually are, only to stop realizing Claire still had my keys. "Fuck!" I shout slamming a fist into the side of my car.

"Conrad?" The sound of Belly's voice startles me as I turn around. She holds up my keys, and tosses them too me. "Claire wanted me to give you these."

"Oh, uh, thank you." I mutter.

"I know it isn't my place," she says hesitantly. "And I know I don't know what's going on between you and Claire, or between you, Jeremiah, and Claire. I also know that me and you aren't on the best terms, but Claire isn't lying. She forgave Jeremiah for whatever he did. They had a whole moment before they told me to give them space. I think if they're willing to move past it, you need to accept her wishes and suck it up and try to work things out with him because Susannah wouldn't of wanted us divided like this. I miss you, I can see Claire and Jeremiah miss you. Please stop being angry and come and help us save the house. We can't do it if we're all down each others throats. Take the rest of today, but come tomorrow, we're all working as a team."

And with that she turns around and walks back inside. Leaving me dumbfounded staring at the spot she was just at. She was right. She was beyond right. My mom would of hated this. She wouldn't of been proud of what Jeremiah did but he didn't do it on purpose. Thank the Gods we got to her in time, because that would be a whole other situation, but I can't hold it against him for what could of possibly happened.

If Claire can forgive him I will too. I will do it for her, not for him. I will be civil and in the same room but he has a lot of making up to Claire to do before I can fully forgive him.

       I feel so embarrassed by my reactions. I haven't been able to process what I've been doing lately. It's like I'm a stranger in my own body. I've been dissociating so much that half the time I don't realize what I've said or done until it happens, no thoughts until the embarrassment or guilt of what I just said or did hits me in the face.

       I sit down in front of the driveway, head leaning on the concrete wall behind me. I sound like a broken record because I'm the reasons things don't work, but God I fucking miss her. She's so right, I went three months without even thinking of her. That thought makes me want to physically punch myself in the face.

She wasn't a priority to me, she wasn't even on my radar. I didn't check in to see how she was doing after my Moms death, I don't know how her panic attacks are going, or anything fucking important. We haven't gotten past, hey, hi, how are you, what are you doing in THREE MONTHS. How did I let this fucking happen.

I deserve to lose her. I deserve to feel pain because I pushed her away, and now I'm facing the consequences. This isn't fair to her anymore and if I love her, I was right the first time — I need to let her go.