Tinkering Hearts

Chapter Thirty-Four

Zaelia

This is my choice. This is what I wanted. This is how I chose to continue my life. 

But then, why am I still lying at this door with my heart crushing? 

He promised me a future. He promised me an eternal forever. He waited for me. What is wrong with me? What the fucking hell is wrong with me? Why do I do this? Why when my life looks up do I let it fall apart?

Then what's the problem here? He promised you a future. Why are you not allowing yourself to be happy? 
I don't know. I'm an idiot. A clutz. A big, fat, stupid—

I know darling. Why do you think I came back after all these years? Of course, you're still that weirdo self. And you fuck up your life like a moron you are.

I laugh. "Wow, I'm still insulted like that."

Mhm. Never will that go away. But however much of an annoying and embarrassing bish you are, I'm proud of you. Look around. Look at how far you've come. 

Exactly! Look at everything I've got! A master's degree in Literature. An amazing best-seller book. NYC is my niche. The finest friends. The most supporting and loving family. A perfect and less problematic life. I've got everything! What else do I need?

Oh, you know the answer to that.

I close my eyes, my lips quivering and my chin crumbling up again as thoughts of Sicre fill my hurting mind. 

You are allowed to give yourself that, Zee. You are allowed to have it all. You're allowed to trust again. You're allowed to love again. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to not think twice when you want to be happy. You deserve his love. He loves you. You love him.

I love him. I've loved him ever since that prom night. I still do. And God spare me will I love him forever. 

There. That's it. There's that closure you needed. You love him and there should be nothing holding you back. 
I deserve to be happy. I deserve it all in life. I need to be selfish to the universe. Sicre. That's the last thing I want. He's what I want. He is what I need in life. He is that missing puzzle piece.

About time you listened to me. Your stubborn era is over girly. Go get your man!

"I DON'T KNOW HOW! I kicked him out in that cruel cold. I told him I never wanted to see him again. I spat such bitter and hurtful words at him. How can I expect him to just accept me now?"

That man loves you to bits. He's the same boy that waited for you all these years. He never settled down. Surely he cannot move on within ten minutes. I think if you get your ass up right now, you'll reach him in time.

"Right now. Yes," I get up, ignoring my sore legs, and wipe my face, "right now."

I quickly button up the coat I'm wearing. Wrap a thick scarf around my neck. Wear my boots and open the door, as the gush of wind blows my hair in the face. 

I close my eyes, smiling. "Thank you," I say to an old friend. To a voice that kept me going forever. That nudged me on forever. "Thank you, Char."

The pleasure is all mine. See you around!

I turn to my right and fast walk on the footpath. I stand on my toes trying to find his head out of the many passing on the street. It's been some time. Obviously, he wouldn't wait around for me. I run a little more. I can't see him anywhere. Finally, I stopped a man.

"Excuse me, have you seen a man in his twenties, this tall," I make a six foot with my hand, "dark hair wearing a black jacket and spectacles?"

"Oh yes, yes. That sort of guy just walked past me two minutes ago. His head was quite low. It could be him."