Beat of Yesterday

32

Xianne.

Today I woke up, feeling empty, after silently crying all throughout the entire night I decided to finally get up. Kumuha lang ako ng yelo para sa mata ko dahil halatang-halata ang pagkamaga ng aking mata dahil sa kaiiyak kagabi.

I can't believe it, parang ganon nalang. Matapos ang ilang buwan na kasama ko sya, matapos nya bigyan ng kulay ang aking buhay. Bigla nalang syang mawawala.

I already knew she was gonna leave me months ago, which is why we decided na sulitin na ang lahat. Kahit hindi naging kami we had something for the past months, sinulit namin 'yon. We were able to showcase our love for one another kahit papaano.

But now we're back again, well, I know she'll be able to flourish well without me. Finally, nakawala narin sya from me. Halos isang taon ko narin syang kilala, one year ever since I started doing things that differs her from the rest of my students. Paghatid, pagluto, pagpapatira, and giving her opportunities for her to shine.

A part of me thinks, if hindi ko ba ginawa 'yon nandito parin sya? o dapat bang nag take the risk ako?

I did drag her in here, if it weren't for my efforts we would have remained as friends. A part of me also blames myself for the pain we are both suffering right now, If I didn't give her any hint, she wouldn't have suspected a thing, and she wouldn't be crying on the way to the airport right now. Instead, she would be happy as she's finally getting her life out there. She specifically told me na wag syang ihatid sa airport kase baka hindi sya lalong makaalis pag nakikita nya'ko, I respected her decision. Actually kagabi pa'ko hindi makatulog, pinilit kong wag matulog so that I would be able to stare at her face all night knowing I wouldn't be able to see her again.

I heard everything that she said to me, and God knows how hard I tried not to cry. Which is why when she left that's when I lost it. All the tears came and flowed like a river, I tried getting some sleep back but I was too tired even to get up pero dahil ayaw matulog ng katawan ko. Here I am.

I stared at my phone. She's on the plane by now.

I gathered all the courage to do this, matagal ko na gusto itong gawin and I had already planned this ever since nalaman kong aalis na sya. I went to my contacts and blocked her number, I went to my social media accounts and blocked hers in all of it.

Masakit, pero kailangan kong gawin. For her. For us.

It's best if she's not tied with me, I couldn't do it before because she lives here sa apartment ko, but now that she's far away it'll be easier for me to avoid her and to detach myself from her.

I put my phone face down and decided to take a shower to easen my thoughts, pagkalabas ay nag bihis lang ako ng usual na pambahay ko at humilata. Not wanting to do anything kase bakasyon namin ngayon and I exactly have one month bago namaman ako bumalik sa trabaho.

Days became weeks, and moving on from her hasn't been the easiest thing to do. I tried, badly, I started doing sports and tiring myself para lang hindi ko sya maisip. Pinagsasabay ko pa ang pag aaral ko for my masterals and yet nasa isipan ko parin sya.

Kumain na kaya sya? Kamusta na kaya sya doon? Is she ok? Is she safe? It's been a while since I saw her since I heard anything from her. Since I heard her voice, saw her pout, and watched her as she cooked our food for the night.